I officially proclaim June to be the month of Relationship Problems.
…So many people I know have either broken up, or are going to break up. It’s pretty tragic, I tell ya.
From my best friends to me and my boyfriend to my family members.
…Sigh, just what is it about love that makes us cry for joy and cry for laughter?
Last night I stayed up all night crying my heart out to my mother. I tell you, I was practically going crazy.
I kept running around the house because I didn’t know what the fuck to do and I couldn’t stay still.
I WANTED TO EXPLODE!
And then I gave up because I knew nothing would work. Went into my mother’s room at like 1am, wailed and wailed all the way till 3am.
I really need to thank my mother for keeping me sane last night.
Honestly, I felt like doing something drastic like committing suicide so I wouldn’t have to face the situation anymore. But after talking so much to my mum, I was pretty much damn exhausted and fell asleep.
I kept waking up and stare into space for 40 mins and fall back asleep though.
James came over to my place just now…
It’s so hard to pretend that you don’t love him and try not to grab him and hug him to death, you know?
I think I can truly ditch the hope of us getting back together.
Come on Jess, get it in your head!!!
He has made it very clear. I know deep down inside getting back together now isn’t the way things should be either.
True, I was the one who initiated the break up, but I’m also the one who is more soft-hearted, younger, and overall weaker.
Ok I have decided to set a limit for my emotional posts. I don’t wanna bawl my eyes out all over again.
So, bottomline is,
If you love someone... then set them free.
Right now he wants to be free, so I’m letting him fly.
Whether or not he would return back to my side…. only time holds the answer.
There are many many questions in my head and many many things I’m still upset about, but I need to put them all away.
Right now, all these should not matter anymore.
If I keep looking back on those sweet memories that make me cry, I can never move on with my life.
I must keep myself busy, busy, busy.
I must not remember how gentle his touch was.
I must not remember how I loved sneaking him into my house in the middle of the night.
I must not remember how good it feels to lie on his strong chest and listen to his steady heartbeat and breathing.
I must not remember how it feels like to be loved by him.
I MUST NOT REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT WE WERE!
It is sooooo fucking hard that I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown right now, but I still must try.
You know what he actually told me just now? He told me he WANTS me to have a NEW boyfriend. To “see the real word”
….Interesting. Well, rebound relationship sounds like a good idea at the moment (although it is not such a good idea in the first place, I know I know)
But it’s the fastest way for me to forget him, I suppose.
I hope I can take this chance to actually study?
..Wait, am I really saying this?
DO I WANT TO STUDY?!?
DO I WANT TO LEAVE JAMES?!
All I really wanna do right now is go to somewhere far, far away… Where all my troubles and worries can be left behind in Singapore.
Eh, I want to move to America and live with Rachael.
I need a getaway.
But I’m not gonna be able to get away.
O levels are in like 4 months.
You’re screwed, Jessica.
You got yourself into this mess, and it’s time you got yourself out of this seemingly endless dark pit.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Cry and you cry alone.
YOU KNOW WHAT’S MY FIRST STEP?
Actually paying attention in class. From there, I’ll TRY to buck up on my studies.
But alot of things are easier said than done.
You know what’s my BIGGEST consolation right now?
I went to the doc just now and I got myself some VALIUM.
Good lord, considering all my sleepless crying nights and all the bad dreams and fits, a good night worth of sleep sounds like the exact getaway I need.
Now that James is gone, I’ve got to find a replacement for my Happy Pill.
It’s crazy how I’m trying to convince myself. But this seems to be the only way to make things make sense.
Don’t look back, keep going forward on your path, Jess. The only thing that’s left there anymore is the footprints he left behind…
I’ll be just fine.
I know I will.