So I’m still nursing the open wound I acquired last week.
Much of my free time has been spent with the sheets draped over my head, deep in pessimistic thoughts. I really didn’t think the cut would be this deep…. I guess the blade was sharper than it seemed. Let’s just say I don’t deal with rejection very well. And lately, my self-confidence has been plummeted so far down I don’t know if I have any left. I pretend I’m dealing with it fine but really I’m confused and hurt as fuck inside. I completely screwed up my own chances so I’m finding it impossible to forgive myself. After the competition was over, it left me in a lot of self doubt. What the hell am I doing with my life? How did I let such a good opportunity slip? What is wrong with me? What is my calling in life? (*rolls eyes at this*) Am I lazy, undeserving or just untalented?
I used to think that only bored-out-of-their-brains, directionless people had those of thoughts of uselessness. People who sit on their bums and never do anything with their lives. I never imagined that even with goals and hard work and sweat and tears, I could still fall short of my own expectations, and feel worthless of my own dreams.
Like I don’t deserve to be somebody, or anybody. I try to be realistic when it comes to ambition, but then again… ambitions aren’t supposed to be realistic, are they? They were created to challenge yourself, to prove the impossible to be do-able if only you have just the right amount and mix of talent, luck and determination. I feel stuck in the middle, torn apart by two different personalities inside of me. One’s telling me to dream big, and never lose sight of my passions and to work even harder to do what I’ve always wanted to do. Another is telling me, forget it… Just focus on cake making and making money, what else time do you have left to pursue other interests? You’re not that great, anyway. Who would watch you, follow your journey and wish for your success? Get over yourself. Get real. You’re not that special at the end of the day. You know how many other people out there who are better than you, and want it more than you do?
So those are just some of the thoughts going on in my brain that have resulted in a very heavy and imploding heart in my chest recently. I wish I could be contented with a simple life, doing simple things, being an absolutely normal but contented person. I have met people like that and they seem happy going about their daily routines with a happy family and loving partners. Make the money, save some of it, spend the rest of it. Plenty of people work in jobs that they don’t particularly enjoy but it makes them the money to pay off the bills and that’s good enough. Why do I have to SO STUBBORN and insist that my job has to be something I love doing at the same time? Can I just snap out of this idealistic daydream and find a normal job already? Stupid person who said, “If you have a job you love doing, you’ll never have to work a day in your life again.” lied to me. Often, the stress that comes together with turning your interest into business completely ruins the meaning of why you enjoyed your passion in the first place. It rips away the pure, true untainted interest that stemmed it all from the beginning, and in its place is hideous greed and a insatiable hunger for more benefits. Sometimes I hate myself for doing this to me, for commercializing everything I ever loved, to the point where I feel like I can no longer indulge in my favorite activities without stopping to think about the possibility of even more commercial gains. Shame on me.
That aside, enough whiny relentless ranting…. here’s a complete change of mood – a happy picture log from when I visited Gardens By The Bay with the fam. Even when I’m having the shittiest time in the whole wide world, nothing quite cheers me up like spending quality time with the people who matter the most.
I would love to continue wallowing in self-pity forever, but life still goes on!!!
I don’t know why it took me so long to finally visit Gardens By The Bay even though I’ve stayed at Marina Bay Sands a lot of times since its opening… but I did finally pay it a visit and it was a very enjoyable two hours!
Ho hum. I’m just waiting for my rainbow after the storm to appear in my life. Damn you overused cliche internet quotes, you’d better not cheat my naive feelings a second time.
I will always be a mummy’s girl. But I’m sorry mum if I’ve disappointed you recently when I didn’t make it through. I know you wanted it for me as much as I did for myself.
That’s the last of my emo nonsense. On to the other topic of the day – Gardens By The Bay was actually very pleasant to visit, because both garden domes are air-conditioned!!!! It was like this massive cold temperature glass house garden in the middle of my scorching but beautiful city, crammed with as many random plants as you could fit in a dome and I’m afraid my pictures don’t do it sufficient justice. You have to see it in person to know what the fuss is about! I have had two Australian couple friends visit Singapore recently and this was very high on my recommended list of things to do, they absolutely loved the experience!
I would’ve liked taking my time to snap nicer photos but my parents can’t be bothered to wait around, so all of these were snap-and-go in order to keep up with their pace. Jesus those old people sure do walk fast!
I like how I could see the city skyline from inside the gardens, it was the perfect combination of nature and urban civilization! It reminded me of how I felt standing in the gorgeous King’s Park in Western Australia, overlooking Perth’s water and city buildings.