My poor little ball of fluff

My shoulders are heavy, and my mind is burdened by countless of worries tonight.

Just got back from the vet with Sam (I hate going there because every time we do it’s some sort of problem. Anyone else feel the same about doctors?) who confirmed that Mochi has spontaneously developed a cataract in her right eye that is maturing alarmingly rapidly. I started noticing a grey-ish sheen only a few days ago when I was playing with her but ignored it (foolishly, sigh) because it was reakky barely visible and when I tried to check for it under the light I couldn’t see it clearly. I shrugged it off, thinking I must’ve been seeing things or maybe she just had some foreign bodies or irritants in her eye. Then yesterday, it grew to the point where it became rather obviously visible. I nudged Sam worriedly, asking, “Is that a fucking cataract in Mochi’s eye?!” I wanted to hear him reply, “No.” But when he muttered reluctantly, “…Yes, I think it is. I think you’re right.” My heart dropped to the floor and all sorts of horror scenes and music started playing in my head.

During this point of time it was already late in the evening and the vet clinics were closed, so there wasn’t much to be done except wait till the next day for our vet’s appointment. I thought waiting one night wouldn’t hurt. I thought cataracts couldn’t develop and worsen over such a short period of time. We would go to the vet and she will be fine tomorrow, I said to myself before I slept. Wasn’t very good at self convincing because I read up on rabbit cataracts before I fell asleep and ended up bawling my eyes out when I realized what a drastic and helpless situation it is for bunnies. It’s not your average case of sniffles or skin parasites. It’s something that is almost always irreversible. The longest night ever followed suit, then morning came.

To my utmost horror, by the next day’s morning (today), the affected area has enlarged tremendously in size and turned near opaque in a mere number of days since I first noticed the slightest sheen that replaced her pupil. It is seriously growing so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if her eyeball was entirely white tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! Cataracts in rabbits don’t usually happen till they’re more than 5 years old & almost always leads to total blindness in a matter of weeks to months…. but my Mochi is less than a year old. :’( It just doesn’t make sense. The condition will more than likely spread from one eye to the other in time, if I don’t get them surgically removed (even so, the chance of her sight regaining isn’t 100% and has many complications). It costs 2.5k PER EYE for the fucking surgery. The vet “thinks” the cataract resulted from genes, but honestly, they didn’t give me any substantial information or results except a few speculations. Just for today’s check up I had to spend over 200+ dollars. I can’t help the tears from welling up when I think about this shit happening to my little energizer bunny. I asked my vet whether I could have eye drops for her condition that would possibly prevent her cataracts from developing so quickly, and she told me there was none she could administer to me at that point. She told me I should really let Mochi go for the surgery because she’s so young. I am so enraged because 1) Research online and real life accounts have told me that vets have given them eye drops before that supposedly counters cataracts. Why isn’t she giving me any?! and 2) Who the fuck has two thousand five hundred dollars lying around to spend on their rabbit’s eye surgery that may or MAY NOT work?!?!?!!? If the cataract spreads to two eyes, that’s five mother fucking thousand dollars!!!!! In the grand scheme of things, can I honestly afford to fork out the five thousand dollars to save my rabbit’s life? Yes I can. It’s totally ridiculous that they’re charging these sort of rates, but yes, I can. But it’s not life or death situation for Mochi, she won’t die from being blind but she MAY die from the surgery because rabbit eye surgeries tend to get inflamed, and bunnies don’t deal with those type of infections or trauma very well.

 From what I hear, I still need to go down for a consultation to see if my rabbit is suitable for the surgery or not.. So that means if she’s “not suitable” for the situation my rabbit will go blind (in some cases the infected area of the cataract may leak into the rest of the eyeball and become a painful infection).

I really really really want to help my bunny so much, but my options seem to be fucking bad right now. I don’t want to see the cloudy whiteness in her eye get more opaque each day and see her movements becoming more limited as she slowly loses her eyesight due to reasons we can’t even figure out. It really kills me inside to think that this scenario may very well be reality in the near future.

If you ever spend some time with her in real life, you will know she’s the sweetest thing on earth, licking you for affection, snuggling up on our bed for cuddles & sprinting all over the place, getting up to all sorts of mischief. She’s more active than a lot of dogs I’ve seen that just lie around most of the time. Whenever she’s out of her cage, she will run from the living room to Sam’s room, to my room, to my brother’s room… and when I say run I do mean she sprints at unbelievable speeds sometimes! She has so much more character and personality than you could ever imagine.

People say rabbits can learn to cope with blindness rather well, but I know she will not be able to live the same life now if/when it happens. My bunny has always been in the best of health since I got her, up until 2 months ago. I was going to get her spayed when we did a pre-surgery blood test for precautionary measures, and they found out she had liver problems.

Thankfully, that was an easy problem to fix over 2 weeks, with some medicine. Then another problem came alone: less than a month ago she started losing fur on her head. I didn’t find it to be anything I should worry about because I know rabbits shed all the time. But as the days passed, she lost so much fur excessively in one particular area, it’s almost like a bald patch now..?

At the rate things are going she’s going to be a white eyed hairless bunny. I’m terrified she’s going to lose all of her fur or just drop dead. WHY IS ALL THIS HAPPENING??? What’s happening to her? I posed these questions to my vet, but they really couldn’t give me a proper answer, just things like “oh she has dry skin…. but we’re not sure why.. maybe…. lasdskfjsktww” I am so sick of vague fucking diagnoses and not sure whys!!!!!!!! WHERE DO I TALK TO A REAL RABBIT EXPERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From what it appears to be currently, there seems to be not much hope for Mochi. Either I fork out $2.5k or $5k (depends how fast the cataract develops and whether it spreads to the other eye or not) and risk her dying from surgery complications or not regaining her site despite the surgery and money, OR, I just let her go blind.. slowly, but surely. Both options are absolutely dreadful decisions I hope even my worst enemy will never have to make about something they hold dear to their heart. If you have a pet that you love dearly, as much as I love Mochi, you will understand how agonizing this feels. I know she’s not a human, and animals tend to fall sick and get diseases or disabilities often… shit happens… but blindness in animals is a big deal.

 I think not being able to see is much worse than being deaf, physically disabled or mute. I have been none of the above but I’m saying if I had to choose I would not be blind, if anything. Even if you can’t talk, you could at least write, if you can’t listen, you can still watch… what is life, without sight?! I can’t help feeling so lousy that I tried to provide my very best to ensure my furball leads a healthy and happy life, yet she came down with this situation so quickly and decidedly that would leave her without sight, and I don’t even know what I should do to help her. All stories I’ve read online pretty much end the same way: the bunny goes blind, with or without eye drops, medication, and surgery. Does anybody have happy ending stories of their pets having cataracts and then getting better??? :’( Would you please share some valuable information with me, if you have any?

Even though I haven’t blogged about Mochi since the first day I got her, she’s been one of the very essences of happiness in my life. I look forward to coming home to her fluffy self and stroking the crap out of her soft body every day. She’s endless entertainment for the whole family and she is truly the epitome of the word: bundle of joy.

I spend hours a day frolicking around with her whenever I can. Whenever I’m supposed to be doing work, I’m probably cuddling her. She’s my little baby girl, but I can’t even protect her from herself. This feels so awful. The worst part is, it’s happening over the weekend when I am utterly and COMPLETELY swamped with a shit load of work which I’m not even sure I can finish. This means I don’t have the time I need to bring her for more vet check ups / appointments and to spend time with her while she still has some sight in her eyes.  I really don’t know what to do.

Everything happened so fast. It’s like her rabbit life was literally perfect one moment, and the next week everything just went to shit. What if she never sees me waving at her signaling for her to come over again? What if she will not be able to see my grinning face smiling at her, attacking her soft cheeks with kisses… what if she never peers at me in that ultra adorable gaze when I cradle her like a baby? What if she just NEVER SEES again????

PLEASE GET BETTER SOON MOCHI!!!! Somehow. Mommy loves you very very very very very very very very much. :’(

She’s too young, too fluffy, too loving & too fragile for this. She’s just a soft little bunny.

She doesn’t deserve this, or to go through any pain or suffering when she’s less than a year old in this cruel world.

My heart hurts so much.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

The Final 1

Some of you already know this piece of news – but for those who don’t…

I am one of the lucky Top 60 contestants for The Final 1 Singapore!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!

The newest, and apparently biggest, reality singing competition to hit our little sunny island. When I got the call from Mediacorp saying I have been selected as one of the Top 60 contestants to participate in this show…. I was in utter disbelief. I really didn’t think I’d even make it to the Top 60 – I was just trying my luck at the auditions for fun.

And what do you know??? I actually got in!!!!! :’)

Out of over a thousand hopeful entries, me! This is a huge deal to me because I’m such an amateur singer if I do say so myself, and to be shortlisted as one of the contestants for the first ever singing competition I’ve joined in my life, a significantly large scale one at that, was tremendouysly thrilling indeed! This is as big as a show is going to get in Singapore, honestly! My childhood ambition has always been to be a singer. Now that I’m older and have come face to face with the real world, I know it’s not as simple or achievable as it sounds. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to stop hoping.

For the first time, I turned that “want” into “do”, and “hope” into “action”.

Here I am…. cheekily beaming away on their contestants page, looking wayyyyy too purple. I’m like a giant eggplant decked in floral wear. What the heck?!

WHY in good god’s name did I consciously choose to wear a purple dress when I have purple hair? When I have a hundred other dresses in my wardrobe…..? Sometimes I think I ought to be shot by fashion police. LOL. Too bad I often realize my fashion mistakes a little too late for rectification. *heaves a whopping sigh*

If you’ve been tuning into Channel 5 on our local TV…. You may have seen this advertisement to promote the show featuring yours truly in my Begin Again music video!!! :)

LOOK MA, YOUR DAUGHTER’S ON TEEVEE!!!

I was like :OOO when a fellow contestant told me “Hey, your video is on Channel 5!!”. It’s always exciting news to be on TV, but even more so when it’s your singing clip that they choose to feature! The last time I was on TV was for a Eu Yan Sang Weight Loss feature last year, a lot less glamorous than this one because my fatness was exposed on national television, thank god I don’t have to die knowing that the only time I ever appeared on television was because I was fat. I got appear because I got talent also okay!!!! Hoo-rah!

I don’t watch much TV at all (I’m more of a movies kinda girl) but I hope I get to see my advertisement at least once before the premiere of The Final 1 airs!!!!! I am also excited to watch the first episode of the show, of course, but the difference is… this advertisement is 100% me. Lol. Whereas the first episode will feature 59 other contestants. So this is my only real time to “Shine” without anyone else stealing my limelight. Literally 10 seconds of fame HAHAHA.

More about the fabulous Top 60 contestants in The Final 1:

Oh lord, you can actually see my awful candid shots in various parts of the video – in fact in the very first few frames you can spot a bored-looking purple haired girl sitting in a chair stoning away. (And sashaying away in the background at 0:20 LOLOL) It was a very long video shoot, we filmed for over 12 hours…. unfortunately my tiredness was indirectly captured on camera!!!!!!

To be really honest with you, I’m not looking forward to seeing myself perform on TV. If you have half a brain and have read my previous emo posts, I’m sure you would’ve figured out just why. Furthermore, I don’t know how weird / fat / awkward / fail I’d look and even worse – how I would sound like!! Hopefully passable? I can’t remember ANYTHING solid from my performance.


Here’s how it basically went down.

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My name was called to go on stage. My heart stopped at that very second. “Don’t trip when going up the stairs”, I told myself. I walked onto stage. I heard the other contestants sing. They were GREAT. Like, beyond great. They rocked my world. I knew it was going to be very very tough for me to top them, and to be honest I felt so intimidated and petrified, I wanted to just drop off the face of the earth forever and never return or at least run off the stage to hide my face until people forget my name, at that point in time….. but, cameras were rolling & recording & all eyes were fixated on me – so bo fucking bian, gotta go through with it, no matter how much of a pussy I felt like. Eventually, I was asked to introduce myself by either Taufik / Kit Chan (my entire memory of this event is sucha blur I honestly cannot recall properly) and then I opened my mouth to sing. I started off VERY shaky. It didn’t help that the song I chose did nothing for my voice, as well. So many bad decisions on my end, I didn’t know any better :’( I was so nervous, my heartbeat was louder than my own voice. I was supposed to hear music and myself singing but after a few seconds, all I heard was deafening silence. It’s probably the sound of fear.

I glanced over at Ken Lim’s direction, he didn’t seem so impressed. My heart sank. “Don’t look at Ken Lim, DON’T LOOK AT KEN!!!!!!” I kept repeating in my brain. “I’ll look at Taufik instead, he’s got a less fierce face.” Taufik managed a half smile at me. My hands are drenched in cold sweat, I was afraid that the microphone would slip right out of my grip and fall onto the floor, causing an ear shattering boom. That would be embarrassing. I was so numb with stage fright that I couldn’t even feel my fingers at all. Throughout the whole time I was singing, I didn’t even feel like I was singing (or breathing or existing). It felt like an outer worldly experience, as if I was dreaming, just witnessing the whole thing from a third person point of view. I don’t know if you understand what I’m trying to say, but sometimes your body does things without your mind actually being there. When it’s all over, your mind snaps back to reality and you’re just like, “Woah, did that really just happen?” because it felt exactly like a daydream. Like my soul left my body or something. Yes, it’s THAT dramatic.  Before I knew it, I was reaching the end part of my song.

Time to hit that relatively big note Jess……….. DON’T SCREW IT UP…. Oh, fuck. Nerves got the better of you, this time, girl. The rest, is history. You have to watch the show to find out what actually happened!

I’ve never felt this way in my whole life before. I have been scared, I have been insecure, I have been unsure, I have been nervous… but NOTHING could compare to how I felt that day. It felt like my heart was going to implode, both from stress and excitement. I wanted to burst into tears just from the sheer overwhelming emotions and adrenaline running through my veins. On a live stage with 50+ other contestants looking on, Kit Chan, Taufik Batisah and Ken Lim judging your every move and note + big fat cameras planted everywhere in front of you.. not a good virgin attempt at public singing. I wish I had experiences in live gigs or performances prior to this competition, but well, the fact remains that I didn’t. I am a rookie. I don’t want to get all emo again lah. I want to learn from my mistakes and carry on life, making the best out of my future opportunities. For the rest of my feelings about this, please refer to this post and that post  if you haven’t already read them.

Thank you to everyone who has been excited for me to be part of this journey and for all the encouraging messages as well. I don’t think I did my best at all for the performance in terms of vocal ability but I really gave it my all in terms of effort + determination. I just didn’t have the skills to execute what I wanted to achieve.

Nevertheless, if you want to catch me and my purple hair on TV….
See you guys on your television set on 24th April, 8pm, Channel 5!!!!

I’m only a small, small part of this big show. The rest of the contestants, however, are another story. You DON’T want to miss the epic-ness of their singing talent. I just can’t comprehend how some of them are not already famous yet. I can’t stop gushing. And trust me, when you watch the show – you will as well! I can’t wait for the live shows baybeh!!!!! Lights, camera, action! Get ready, Singapore.

THE FINAL 1 TROOPS…. ONWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Living on a prayer

I used to have a problem.

My problem was not having enough exciting or interesting events going on in my life and thus resulting in me not having anything substantial to blog about. This I suppose, was quite awhile ago, when my life was relatively directionless and I was just floating around.

These days, my problem is having TOO much going on in my life, all of which I sorely wished I had enough time, energy and resources to openly share with all those who are still interested in checking up on this neglected and humble blog of mine, because I hate to leave this space without any updates for prolonged periods of time…. I want to capture every single precious memory I have and spontaneously relive it every time I read my own blog post about the experience. Unfortunately, I’ve reached a stage in my life where blogging has inevitably taken second place in terms of priorities, for some reason another matter always seems to top it, somehow. I remember when it used to be number 1 and I just HAD to take a picture of everything or jot it down in my mind so that I could go back home and tell everyone about it. But now, a few years down the track, I guess I’m slightly older, and have found new and possibly better ways to cope and deal with the events and emotions that go on in my life aside from pouring my soul out to an online audience. I can deal with sadness, difficulty, excitement without announcing it here. Wow. I never thought this day would come. I know I’m almost totally contradicting myself with this statement considering how I’m letting all these feelings loose in this very post, but there is a difference when I consciously choose to blog about something to purposely share with y’all instead of feeling like I NEED to blog about it to get it off my chest / mind so that I remain sane. I have learned how to take a heavier load on my shoulders with every year that passes in my life, and I suppose that is all part of growing up. So much has been going on in my life the past week, you won’t believe what I’ve been through in such a short period of time and the number of times I have broke down and cried, also the incidents where I just burst out in hearty laughter… I never knew one person could be so sad, stressed, happy and gratified at the same time. This is life in a whirlwind at its full glory. I guess this is what it feels like to be 21 years old, when you’re trying to figure this world out, and you look and act like an adult… but really, inside you’re still kind of a kid still, but you know that will have to change soon.

And what a huge change 2013 has brought about in my life. First of all, I have a rabbit that is now my responsibility to take care of. I never imagined I’d have a pet so soon since I had no intentions of getting one, especially not a rabbit, but somehow little Mochi the fluffy chinchilla colored bunny found her way into my life. Many of my mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights are spent cuddling with, playing with her, chasing her around, feeding her, and picking up after her poop… She brings me so much joy! Secondly, I have officially moved out of my parents’ place last year, and in 2013 I am REALLY feeling the pinch of living by myself. Although I stay with my boyfriend and brother, I cannot and do not depend on them to provide for me. They don’t get me food or clean up after me the way my domestic helper maid or mum used to. Not that I expect to of course, I’m just sayin’, I live with people but I’m pretty much on my own. Now, every single meal of the day has to be accounted for by myself, I can no longer go home and expect a decent home cooked meal to be sitting on the dining table prepared by my mum or maid for me, because I don’t have anyone waiting on me any more. And I NEVER realized just how much housework one house could create. I keep mopping and sweeping the floor and clearing the rabbit’s litter tray and washing the laundry but OMG everyday there’s more dust and dirty clothes to be washed and it just hit me that for the rest of my life I have to be doing housework!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is really depressing. I don’t think any other 21 year old does the kind of housework I do. (Clean toilets, mop and sweep the floor, cook, bake, wash the dishes and laundry… blah blah blah) Most are still living with their parents which I sort of wished I was. I LOVE the freedom, but I miss the feeling of being sheltered. Reality is such a cruel and unforgiving place. Not to mention coughing up $1k extra every month for rent is a bit of a big bad bitch as well.

So that’s just a brief gist about what’s been going on in my crazy life. Aside from the parts I have complained about, there have been a lot of lovely people I had the privilege of meeting recently making a difference and impact on my life, which I am truly grateful for.

I participated in this top secret event (lol) that would’ve been game changing for my career, but unfortunately things didn’t work out so well for me…. however, the experience was mildly life changing, I would say. It was nerve wrecking enough to make my heart feel like it was going to stop right there and then, and sometimes stressful enough for me to completely let down my pride and break down in tears in front of other people. But most of all it was wonderful in many unexpected ways and I find myself more sorry about having to miss out on the awesome company of the astoundingly talented people I have met and the opportunity to learn more from them than actually winning the title of the competition. Which I suppose I never stood a great big chance of doing so, anyway, they’re way out of my league. They’re going to rock your socks off, Singapore.

Actually I don’t even know how I got to stand there with them in the first place considering I have never sung in public before or given any sort of performance whatsoever prior to this, besides my self indulgent Youtube videos which I post on my blog. They’re like, way up there in terms of knowledge, skill and experience…. and I’m just here.  I don’t know them very well or for very long at all, but I swear I’m not kidding when I say I miss them already. When people are struggling to stay on one boat together…. you share this immediate bond.

We also shared laughter, fears and goals in the short amount of time I knew them. It’s not everyday you get to meet like-minded people with such admirable determination and similar interests as you that you happen to get along super well with.  I found myself staring at many people in the competition with utter respect and fascination. How can seemingly normal looking people be so damn great at their passion but be so humble and likable and hardworking and friendly and admirable at the same time?

Some of them are everything I want to be, and more. I wonder how long it took for them to build up their confidence and technique, or were they just born awesome? I couldn’t believe my eyes, and my ears. So many of these peeps are soooo damn young as well!!!!!!! How do they do it? Why are these people holding my hand, encouraging me when I’m scared and being a friend for me even though we barely just met? And a few of them gave me warm hugs, when I truly needed them most. The journey on the way there is just as, or even more important than the destination to me. It molds and shapes you into a better, wiser person. And as short-lived as my journey was, I can say it was more fruitful than I had ever hoped for, and I’m still thankful it happened to me, out of thousands of people. I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel bitter, but I’m not. I could not imagine more worthy and deserving people to go up against. If anything, I am only upset at myself for making a few crucial mistakes that led to my own eventual downfall, and I only have myself to fault. But I was so new to the game, and since it was my first time ever doing it I really don’t think I did all that bad in the end. I should give myself credit for trying, too. I felt like dropping dead at some points. I am not allowed to reveal anything vital or specific about this event, so this is about as much as I can say before I accidentally let something confidential slip… but I suppose some of you will figure it out sooner or later by yourself anyway, if you keep yourself in the loop with media!

With this chapter of my life coming to a close, I take away with me valuable memories and lessons which I know will prove priceless and useful in my years ahead. So thank you to everyone who has impacted me greatly over the last few days. I look forward to keeping myself updated with your journeys and wish the very best for all of you ahead, no matter who the ultimate crowned champion is... you are ALL badasssssss ROCKSTARS. ♥ 

Shine bright like a motherfucking diamond!!!

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess
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