19 things I did when I was 19

Seriously I think I’m a bit lagging behind. A week after 2012 has started than I do this list lolol but it’s okay, better late than never.

So I finally decided to sum up my 2011 into one blog post, sorta like a “flashback” on the year, just revisiting some memories and noting down the more prominent ones.

Nothing like a walk down memory lane to remind yourself of the lessons you’ve learned and what your goals should be next year. At this point in time I haven’t actually reviewed a list of things to blog about yet, so I’m hoping I don’t get stuck with this blog post halfway coz I ran out of interesting events to talk about. Now that would be quite sad. My memory is so bad that I can’t remember a lot of what happened last year wtf. -_- I even forgot what I had for lunch yesterday.

And this is why I need a blog. I need my own space on the internet to keep track of all the things that have happened in my life ♥ Because I swear, I’m going to have Alzheimer’s disease when I’m older… I already have it now. Now I’m mostly only going to blog about the nicer stuff coz obviously a lot of the shittier stuff I keep to myself and don’t pollute this blog with.

My 2011 in a (really summarized and brief overview) nutshell..

19 things that happened
when I was 19!!!!!!!!!

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1) I permed my hair.
(January 2011)

WAHAHAHAHAH talk about a bad start to a new year. Fucking ugly. Looks so year 2000. FML.

Pls pls pls pls never perm your hair again Jessica. You look something like a 2 cent china whore. Nothing wrong with spending an extra 30 minutes styling it when you need it!

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2) I saw Taylor Swift live on her Speak Now Tour.
(January 2011)

Thus beginning my healthy obsession with her. I say healthy because she’s a great role model for girls all around the world and everyone can relate to her songs. Nothing wrong with looking up to someone like that! I liked her before this, which iswhy I went to see her in concert.. but NOWHERE near as to how much I like her now! During her concert, I didn’t know a few songs she sung so I went back to Youtube them.

The more I listened to her other songs, the more I really liked them. Even as I am blogging this now I am listening to her songs. So yes, it’s official, I’m a fan girl.

Speaking of which, I bought standing pen tickets to see her live in Perth in March. I can’t wait LOLOLOL me and Sam are going nuts over it. I’ve officially poisoned him with her music cuz I listen to it everyday and he knows all the words to her songs now.

It’s going to be so fun dancing to her song with him during the last leg of her Speak Now tour ^______^

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3) Spent Valentine’s Day with Sam.
(February 2011)

Bubbling hot spa with an open view of the sea.. A pretty unique experience.

We had a relaxing 2 hour massage, chocolate fondue, a dip in the pool, and alfresco Italian dining at night! Definitely one of the highlights of our year. Utterly romantic. I’m hoping 2012′s Valentine’s Day is going to top 2011′s. :)

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4) Baked and decorated my Mum a birthday cake.
(March 2011)

Coated with fresh cream and adorned with fake flowers. :P

Now this event is really important. I’ve always had an interest for baking but I constantly failed at it. My cookies would turn out charred black and my cakes would be uncooked in the middle. However I watched HUNDREDS of Youtube videos online, read tutorial after tutorial and finally took the plunge.

Went bought several hundreds of dollars worth of baking equipment, and made my first cake. Put the theories and methods I learned about online to the test in real life.

I thought to myself, “Hey, I’m not so bad. This is quite fun. With enough practice, I might get good at this.”

And that was THE moment baking became a real possibility for me.

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5) Chopped off my hair. *gulps* (March 2011)

Because it was a tangled mess beyond rescue. Thank goodness it’s slowly growing back now…

If someone held a pair of scissors near my hair now, I’d scream!

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6) Attempted buttercream decorating for the first time. (March 2011)

This was my first ever piped rose. HAHAHAHA that’s quite pathetic even for a first timer.

But hey, look at what I can do now! People are always like “Eyyy how did you get so good at baking omg I’ll never be that good blah blah.”

You’re wrong. My first ever attempt at cake making was in March 2011, merely 7 months ago. That is a little over HALF a year. You just have to be determined enough!!! I would say baking is 40% talent, but 60% skill. It’s learned, you’re not born with the knowledge.

Put your heart to it. Anything is easier once you are actually willing to learn. Your attitude determines you from being the dude who has “potential”, or the person who enjoys great success.

Our first batch of nicely-ish frosted cupcakes. Sam said my pink flowers looked like vaginas, LOL. But still I didn’t give up!!!!!

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7) I launched my business,
“Shiberty’s Sweets” at shibertys.blogspot.com (March 2011)

Today, it is my main source of income. Nowadays, I’m known as “the cupcake blogger” – LOL. Imagine that. Hobby to occupation in an instant. A week after my first batch of cupcakes, I decided to set up a simple website with childish looking graphics and sell them online. Daring, if I do say so myself.

Thinking about it now, I was taking a huge risk. I was BARELY considered a beginner baker and already I wanted to sell it to other consumers. What if they got food poisoning and died? Omg. And to the first few people who bought cupcakes from me, if you’re still reading this little blog, THANK YOU.

Thank you, thank you thank you thank you.

You didn’t buy from me because everyone else was doing it too. You didn’t buy from me because I was an established or popular bakery or because I was better than others. You bought from this crazy blogger who had a passion for baking because YOU believed in me! I wasn’t even that sure of myself. I dunno what made you do it, if I were you I wouldn’t buy from me (AHAHAH) but I am really thankful for being given this opportunity. :’)

I think, if I didn’t have silent but strong supporters out there, I’d just be another girl who likes to bake but never quite made it anywhere. Because of your ever changing demands and support that never falters, I strive to improve. I have no time to sit around and be complacent. I’m pushed everyday. Pushed to be better for you, to come up with nicer designs, to work on my techniques and exploring new methods because at 7 months I am still learning.

I am honestly sorry to those I have genuinely disappointed during my time of operating Shiberty’s Sweets. If I didn’t reply your email in time, if your cake didn’t quite turn out the way you imagined it to be, etc…. I know people order cakes for special occasions and I hate it when I don’t deliver. It’s my first time running a business, albeit an online one, and I make mistakes. Sometimes my laziness or stubborn attitude gets the better of me, sometimes I don’t try as hard as I could’ve. But most days, I try until my bones ache and my back’s about to break. And I promise I will be even better this year. Just watch me.

/end of dramatic speech

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8) Traveled across the border to Sunway Lagoon, Malaysia. (Technically Jan 2011 but only blogged about it May 2011)

It was… a rather disappointing trip.

I had fun, but definitely not as much as we all predicted. Sunway Lagoon sucks, and whoever ever said it was fun sucks too. And this is coming from an ardent theme park fan.

Managed to squeeze in some Spa time still. Yay.

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9) Got my blog revamped
and moved over to Shiberty.com (June 2011)

A much needed change!!! BYEBYE Pedophaelic moniker. To all of you perverts who have landed on this blog after searching “underage girls having sex with a monkey on mum’s bed” or something as twisted as that (I still get it till today), BEGONE!! SHOO!

For you new readers out there, this was my old website, hosted at www.underage-girl.blogspot.com. Please resist the impending urge to put your palm to your forehead. :P

My web designer was a friend of a blog reader / cake customer. She offered to do my design for my for free and I was sooo glad because she did such a good job! And I’m loving the much more mature domain name. I used to hate it when people asked me for my blog link lol. I like how the new layout represents me. But until now I haven’t done a proper “About Me” page yet, omg epic fail… I’ve been meaning to write up a more interesting one. I swear I’m going to get it done before January ends. I CANNOT drag it any longer.

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10) Escaped to a short getaway at Bintan, Indonesia. (July 2011)

Only 45 mins away via ferry! Already so much more idyllic. Ironically in Singapore, 45 minutes is the amount of time you’d take to get to the City / Town if you’re lucky and there’s no jam on the roads.

Stayed at a nice hotel…

…and soaked up some sun.

Went jet skiing around the neighboring islands and didn’t fall off it into the ocean this time. Yay! Well I did jump off my jet ski into the water but that was by choice, I didn’t get knocked off by a massive monsoon wave like I did in Phuket in 2009. Amazinggggg fun.

My jet ski did break down halfway though (or ran out of petrol) and we had to be dragged back to shore by another jet ski. Why do these things always happen to me?

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11) Screamed out lyrics as Lady Gaga performed meters away from me live
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She is an incredible live performer!!! Sam and I rocked out to her hit songs for more than an hour.

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12) Made our first Proposal cake. (August 2011)

So this… should probably be big on the fiance’s list and not mine, but I thought it was awesome how we could be part of someone’s proposal!! :’) How often do you get to be part of a stranger’s big day? Getting married is such a big deal and only happens once in your life! (Well hopefully only once)

The sweet lady even emailed me to tell me how much she loved it! Definitely made my week. Wishing you and your husband LOTS of LOVE in your marriage!!!!!

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13) Blogged about the controversial Frolick incident.
(August 2012)

You can read it here. What can I say? I did it out of part self-righteousness, part boredom and part spite. Well whatever it was, it worked because cake business and blog hits boomed.

It’s not a post I’m proud of or will speak of much in the future, but considering my post got retweeted over 100 times on Twitter and received quite a bit of attention from Singaporeans, I thought it should be on this list somewhere. My opinions in that post may differ from the ones that I have today.

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14) My first ever pet, a Pudding hamster called Pudding passed away :(… (September 2011)

I don’t wanna talk much about it in case I get upset again and everything I have to say, I’ve already said it here. I’ll miss you buddy! ♥

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15) Took a long trip to Australia again. I’ve never been to Sydney!! (September 2011)

I tried an O2bar. wtf.

Went up the gorgeous Blue Mountains. Waterfalls and rain forests await.

Hai kangaroo.

Frolicked around Bondi Beach.

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16) Hello, we meet again, Gold Coast! (September, 2011)

View from our apartment



Dream World



Movie World

Virgin snorkel trip in the turquoise waters of Queensland, Australia! :D

Sand boarding down giant sand dunes head first. Not as fun as it sounds.

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17) Went up to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for the Nuffnang Asia-Pacific Blog Awards with a huge number of other bloggers. (December 2011)

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18) Obviously, I crapped out a shit ton of cakes and cupcakes for a lot of different people. (Throughout 2011)

You can click on the “baking” label on my blog to see all the work I’ve done! Hundredsss of cupcakes and cakes. Actually, wait, I believe they are in the high THOUSANDS. Sometimes in one day alone over 150 cupcakes were made.

Here’s a few events where Shiberty’s Sweets was featured…

Doing charity for Japan with Nuffnang

Budget Barbie with Clicknetwork thanks to Qiu Qiu!!

Cupcakes from Shiberty’s Sweets sitting pretty a Cozycot event :)

Extremely gratifying seeing peoples reactions to my cupcakes in real life and hearing them rave! Makes all the effort more than worth it.



My babies!

Did some interviews and shoots for / with my cakes.

I hope that means I’m doing something right.

My cupcakes in a magazine!

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19) And the final activity I’m going to talk about is something I haven’t blogged about before.

I went whale watching in the Gold Coast on my birthday (September 20th) and it was

SO AWESOME WTFFFFF
*dies*

*…..revives and dies again*

Whales were breaching (jumping out of the water with massive force) everywhere around us and we even managed to attract the attention of a couple of Humpback Whales and they CAME RIGHT OVER TO OUR BOAT AND PLAYED WITH US!!! By playing I mean consciously responding to our actions and making an effort to interact with us.

Trivia:
Humpback whales grow to be about 52 feet (16m) long, weighing 30-50 tons (27-45 tonnes).

LOOK at how they wave their arms (I mean flap their fins lol) as if to say hello!!!!! I couldn’t believe that was happening to us. On my birthday. How perfect. :’)))) Probably the happiest day of my 2011.

These gentle giants were extremely intelligent. I have more pictures but I’ll save them for another blog post!!!!!! Because this one is already long enough. I don’t know what took me so long to blog about these guys wtf it’s one of my best memories EVERRRR in my life, along with this.

I obviously love dolphins & whales, if you don’t understand my enthusiasm.

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Okay end of blog post!!!!!

Feeling all excited now talking about the amazing encounter I had with those humpback whales. Going to lie on the bed now and re-live those moments :D :DDDD Stuff like that DEFINITELY doesn’t happen every day. Counting my blessings.

HAPPY IZ ME. Starting off the New Year with a positive mindset that this year it will be even better.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Someone Like You

Some late night pondering.

Recently, I have been obsessing over the song “Someone Like You”


- Someone Like You by Adele

As I was singing the lyrics “Never mind I’ll find someone like you…” out loud, I actually stopped for a second and thought to myself, “No, I won’t.”

If I broke up with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t find somebody just like him.

I’d actually find somebody totally different, because if it could work out with someone like my ex, I wouldn’t have given it up, or messed it up. It’s called an “ex” because it’s an “example” of what kind of guy you shouldn’t be dating. Maybe you’d want to find someone who can make you feel as special and wanted as he did, but girls, if he had you but decided to give you up… Trust me, you don’t want to find somebody like him.

You should want somebody better.

Too many people dwell on the past so much, they forget to look to the future. Reminiscence is futile. Instead of trying to hold onto a person who’s already gone, learn from your mistakes and walk away with your head held high. It’s not always that simple, or that straightforward, I know… but not trying is letting yourself down.

Whenever I’m upset because I’ve quarreled with my boyfriend, a common piece of advice I’d always receive is, “Just think about your happier times in the past.”

To which I would secretly scoff at under my breath. WHAT is the point of constantly revisiting the past just to convince yourself that the situation you’re in now is worth it? You should stay in a relationship because you’re excited about your FUTURE together, not because he “was nice to me last time.”

Last time is last time. Last time doesn’t matter anymore.

Now is right freakin’ now. Now = r e a l i t y, so get yourself a reality check. Are you happy now? Do you think this guy is capable of making you happy in the near future? The future hasn’t arrived, but if you find yourself trapped in the past or your “honeymoon period” then you can safely assume your future is bleak. What matters most about how a man treats you is during the tough times. The good times? I’m not saying forget them.

What I’m saying is that if a man can’t handle you at your worst, then he sure as hell does not deserve you at your best.

Find someone who is willing to rough it out with you because when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. If he’s not tough, your relationship will not be going anywhere eventually. It’s not difficult to find a boy who is cute and charming at the start. Every guy WILL be nice to you at the start of the relationship.

Because he wants you, because the chase is still thrilling, because he’s trying to impress you and because he hasn’t begun to take you for granted yet. We are ALL flawed, and we all take things for granted some times. But some people look into their partner’s eyes and realize what they have is special. While others, go through their whole life drifting from one facade to another.. You can’t stay in love if you don’t love being in love.

Don’t judge a boyfriend’s character from how he treats you the first 6 months, because those 6 months will not last you the rest of your life. I wasted so much time on my ex this way. I just kept wishing for better. Why make wishes when you’re in charge of your own life? YOU can make your own life better.

One of these days you’re going to run out of happy memories to tide you through the bad times. You’re going to need new ones. Judge your relationship’s strength by how he handles your quarrels AFTER the honeymoon period. Does he still try as hard? Take as much time as you need to decide how you feel about him for as long as you’re together. It’s totally okay to change your mind.

That’s what I tell myself all the time. And I honestly believe it’s true even though I may come across as being selfish. I can’t be feeling guilt because my feelings have changed. I can’t tell my heart what to feel and I can’t tell a boy to love me if he doesn’t anymore. You can’t love someone else properly if you don’t love yourself first.

I don’t proclaim my love to be selfless like most other people, and I would gladly tell the world that my love is selfish. I love you, I do.. because you make me happy. But if somehow you don’t make me happy anymore, one day, I’ll stop loving you.

Give yourself that right to choose your path of happiness.

It is possible to fall in and out of love with the same person. Because that person is always changing. The only constant is change..

At times, change is what we really need in life. Definitely not replicas of our-ex boyfriends. Stop the self-pitying. The only way to truly get over somebody is to believe you can find someone BETTER than them, not someone just like them. If not, you’ll live eternity in regret. So if you think you’ve got something really special going for you…. don’t give it up.

This blog post is a public reminder to myself and everyone out there who needs it – that nobody is safe from heartbreak. Just love every partner you have like you’ve never loved no one else before, it’s the only way to part without regrets.

As Adele sings,

“Sometimes it lasts in love.. but sometimes it hurts instead.”

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Should cheaters ever be forgiven?

I was watching Sex & The City (part 1 movie) for the first time the other day and I loved it!

Really fun show, amazing fashion, funny jokes, awesome vacations and everything but one thing I did NOT like about the movie was how Miranda’s husband Steve cheated on her and all her girlfriends were saying “It was a mistake to have left him” and that “You should take him back”.

….Ok…..


SAY WHAT?!?!!?!?

On what grounds should Miranda even CONSIDER taking Steve back?? (Sure they have a kid but I’d rather my parents be divorced if they didn’t love each other than force themselves to be together just cuz of me)

With the kid out of the picture… I mean it’s just awful that her girlfriends who are supposed to care about her well being would even suggest that, especially since she was STILL pissed off at her husband at that moment in time and obviously wasn’t ready to take him back anytime soon.

I know this was just in the movies but eh.. I can totally imagine this happening in real life to other people.

In fact, I always get people “Should I take my cheater ex back?” on Formspring.

I can’t believe it’s even a QUESTION people would ask.

I’ve been cheated on by my ex before, and had anyone suggested taking him back I would have punched them in the face. Sure, I DID take him back once, twice, thrice… but hey, your friends are still not supposed to give you that sort of shitty advice. They are meant to be the voice telling you NO when your heart gives in and cries YES.

At least it always clear in my head that I SHOULDN’T forgive him, but I just wasn’t strong-willed enough to do it in a short amount of time.

Thank goodness I always had the support of most people around me, telling me I could definitely so much better than him and that I should just dump him. I can’t imagine how much more messed up I’d be if anyone suggested I actually NEED that sort of asshole in my life.

And since there will always be boys and girls out there getting their heart broken by sluts and assholes, I figured it’s never too late to do a cheater-flaming post even if my experience was 2 years ago, I still wanna share my thoughts on it.

Here’s to anyone who’s ever been cheated on… hear, hear!

WHY CHEATERS DON’T DESERVE TO BE FORGIVEN:


1) He didn’t love you enough.

In this post I will refer to classic examples of cheaters as “he”. Get used to it. I was cheated on by a guy, of COURSE I’m biased in thinking that most men think with their dicks. I’m speaking from first-hand experience.

How should I put this???

If your boyfriend / husband managed to ignore all his morals (if any) and whatever relationship value he had with you and shove his filthy wart-filled penis into another slut’s punani, then he DEFINITELY DIDN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH.

No self-respecting guy who treasures his girl would ever consider doing that to her, even if the passion has dulled and the relationship is a bore. The least a decent guy could do is to tell the girl it’s not working out, end the relationship in truce, then he is free to go shag himself silly after that, nobody will really care. (although everyone will think you’re an asshole)

But when your cheating boyfriend comes and begs you to forgive him because he didn’t mean it and that he is sooooo sorry..

DON’T BELIEVE HIM.

Especially if it’s not the first time – he’s not sorry as sorry for cheating as he is for being caught.

Look, cheating is not an involuntary physical condition. It’s a choice, and one that he MADE. At the expense of your trust and emotions.

Trust someone like that? No way.

I won’t lie, I’ve found myself close-ish to cheating situations before, when I was facing very rocky times with my ex, I met nice and cute guys who offered a shoulder for me to cry on and there was once my lips were inches away from this very attractive guy’s (yes cheating does not only consist of having sex. emotions things like kisses count too)

But you know what?

I didn’t kiss one of the cutest guys I’ve ever gone out with. I THOUGHT about doing it, but 2 seconds after realizing how close I am to doing what I’m thinking about doing, the thought of it sickened me to the core and I found myself abruptly getting up to leave, before things got really ugly and messy, much to Mr Cute Guy’s disappointment.

I can safely tell you that in EVERY cheater’s mind, there will come a time where their conscience has a face off with temptation.

And it goes a little like this:

Temptation: Man that chick is looking mighty fine with her tits hangin’ out for me to gawk at and all yo!

Conscience: What? How can you say that? You have a girlfriend.

Temptation: But my girlfriend ain’t fineeee like that yo!!!

Conscience: Ew gross. What kind of a slut tries to seduce another chick’s boyfriend like that? Grow up and go home to your girl. You’re better than that.

Temptation: DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN I’M TRYING TO FEEL UP SOME TITTIES HERE!!!

….

Ok actually that was kinda optimistic.

More like it would’ve been:

Conscience: Dude you have a girlfriend waiting for you at home you know.

Temptation: Yeah but have you seen those gorgeous tits, man? END OF CONVERSATION.

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The point I’m trying to get at is – it’s not entirely true when he says he only did it “because he wasn’t thinking”. Unless he is seriously retarded or in a coma, everyone’s brains are functionally working every second of the day.

Perhaps he wasn’t thinking STRAIGHT (obviously), he was definitely THINKING alright, because he consciously and readily made the decision of hurting your feelings in order to gain temporary relief and satisfaction.

He made a little mental evaluation in his head that sex with some hoe would bring him more gratification than his relationship with you. He made the decision that…. your feelings were irrelevant, and that his sexual desires are of much greater importance.

Before you rush into his arms again and think about forgiving him, think about how this fact makes you feel.

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2) He says he will never do it again.

Remember when he last said that a year ago?

No? He’s never cheated on you before?

Well, do you remember when he said he would LOVE you?

Does cheating on you seem like good lovin’ to you? (refer to point 1)

That’s right. The answer is no.

I’m not saying your cheating ex didn’t love you honey, I just said he didn’t love you ENOUGH. What constitutes good, proper loving? I am in no position to tell you what your relationship needs, since everyone thinks of love in different ways. But as a well-grounded girl who’s been in both healthy and unhealthy relationships, I can sure as hell say you don’t need a lying horny selfish manipulative bastard in your life.

I remember when I was crying my eyes out in my mum’s room asking her for advice, one lonely night 3 years ago. Nothing new, the same old “OMG HE LIED OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”

She had a sad look in her eye when she said “Leopards never change their spots.”

In other words, liars are manipulative blood suckers who feed off causing other people pain and the thrill of deceiving others successfully. Some people are just born this way.

Some people are born without legs, arms, sight, hearing, and some people are just born without the ability to love someone else wholeheartedly.

As hard as it is to fathom…. it’s a cold hard fact.

If he can hurt you once, he can hurt you again. Nobody can tell you whether he truly WILL do it again or not, but let’s just be safe and bet on the fact that he bloody will and save yourself some heartbreak, will ya?

Do you really wanna even risk going through all that emotional and physical pain again? When the person you love so much tears you apart and stomps on the shattered pieces of your fragile heart, the pain becomes physical.

Your chest feels so tight from the tugging pain in your heart (yes it really feels like someone is tugging on my heart strings and gripping my heart so very tightly in their hands), you can hardly think normally from the endless hours of crying and your eyes can’t even open properly because they’re swelled up from all the tears and even breathing seems like a chore.

I hate how men say, “But baby, it didn’t mean anything, I swear!”

Well guess what asshole?!? IT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.

A whole freakin lot, in fact. It hurt my feelings, cut me deep and erased whatever trust I ever had for you, does that mean ANYTHING to you at all? Can it not be about YOU and your penis or your non existent feelings for once?

It doesn’t matter if it was only JUST that one time to you.

Cuz one time – that’s all it takes for the image and knowledge of it occuring to haunt me for the rest of my life. Enough to make me cry a river of tears and feel worthless, thanks to you. So “one time” isn’t a small deal to me like it is to you.

It was never about the physical activity you had going on with her.

It was always about the fact that you chose her, over me, your girlfriend, the one you supposedly “love”.

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Of course, it’s not easy to let go, and talk is cheap. I know. I was stuck in that situation for more than 2 years, cursing myself everyday for allowing myself to prolong the pain. But no pain, no gain.

And through this experience I’ve definitely gained some insight and first hand experience on how to deal with lying assholes.

I have also realized that it wasn’t entirely his fault that the lies went on for so long. I should have stopped this one way train to self-destruction dead in its tracks when I had the chance the very first time I found out.

But no, like the world’s biggest sucker I happily lapped up all his lies and whatever bullshit he chose to feed me with and in return, LIED to myself that HE wasn’t lying.

Does that even make any sense???

I thought…. well, it’s been a facade this whole time, so what if I continue living in this facade for a little whole longer? Couldn’t hurt.

But everyone snaps out of self-denial eventually and the pain will hurt you harder than ever, because in the end you have nobody to blame but yourself. Which brings me to my next point.


3) It’s NOT your fault, and you CAN’T fix him.

Whenever people ask, “Why are you still with him?” I give them a forced feeble smile but no answer. I utter a weak “Things are better now….” and in my head it continues, “But it’s only a matter of time before things turn to shit again.”

Self-denial is dangerous. Sometimes you lose track of what’s happening in REALITY and what’s being faked in your idealistic word.

I think, somewhere along the lines of being lied to a million times, I lost myself. I lost the anger, the strive to want to lead a better life and I ended up being submissive. Instead of blaming him, I started blaming myself.

….”What’s wrong with me?! I’ve loved him unconditionally and tried to be the best girlfriend I can be – Why does he still not love me?

Am I not pretty enough? Does my personality suck? Am I boring, why would he fall for some other chick? Am I just NOT GOOD ENOUGH???

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!!!!!”

And that is, in all honesty, the worst feeling you can get from being cheated on. When the pain settles in, when you resign to your miserable fate and instead of asking yourself “Why am I with this douchebag?” you ask….

“What’s wrong with me?”

I spent ALL my remaining time blaming myself, and trying to fix him. Even though I never really told anyone I blamed myself, I did. Beneath that anger was a deep sadness I could never bring myself to express fully.

I tried to fix him…. I tried really, really hard. Tried to fix him so much that in return, I was broken. It was no longer a surprise whenever he lied. It was just like, “It’s okay, if I keep loving him unconditionally, he will love me back someday.”

It was almost as if it was a test to prove myself right. Like, HEY, don’t worry, some day he will think you’re worth something. You just gotta wait for the right moment. It wasn’t even about him anymore.

It was about ME, and my need to make things better. My obsessive need to make sure everything was under control. That I had the ability to make things all right again. I think it’s all part of being a Virgo (lol no I don’t really believe in horoscope)

Needless to say, the moment never came. He wasn’t Mr. Right, and in fact he wasn’t even Mr. Right Now.

If I was so smitten, why did I dump him coldheartedly in the end? Well I can’t really tell you exactly why, all I know is, one day I woke up going “FUCK THIS SHIT. I’ve had enough.”

“It’s not my fucking fault if this boy does not see a good girl dangling right before his eyes and chooses the whores instead. Tired of teaching him how to love, tired of teaching him how to be an honest, good person. I’m tired of mothering him, and I miss loving myself. I miss putting MYSELF before someone else. I miss me.”

Forget about the good times we had and what we used to share. I want to look forward to the FUTURE, not back on the past, and even though I’m not sure what is in store for me out there, it’ll be brighter than whatever we have now.

Contrary to what most other people believe, relationships are not just about the good times. Life isn’t a sky full of rainbows, sooner or later you’re going to experience worse days, then what? I can have a good time with ANYONE, even with the guy down the street, but does that mean I want to be his girlfriend? Everyone’s nice when the situation is in their favour.

Judge a person not based on their good days, but on their off days. See if you still like that person when their mask comes off and they reveal who they truly are deep down inside.

What makes a relationship solid is when shit hits the fan, can you count on the other person to get your back?

If you can’t…. bail.

Now, while you still can.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Wow… if handwriting could ever “look” sad, this sure would be it.


5) And my final point?

Even if you think you can forgive him, chances are, one day your fascination with him is going to fade and you’re going to wonder what the fuck you’re doing with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

When you look at his face, you won’t see the boy you knew when you first fell in love with him anymore.

All you’ll see is the face of a liar.

When you kiss him, you don’t enjoy the intimacy – instead you feel grossed out because you can TASTE the nasty residue of that hoe whom he got down and dirty with, behind your back.

When he hugs you, you think of the same hands caressing someone else not so long ago and you feel FILTHY from head to toe.

When you look into his eyes, instead of seeing faith, warmth and trust, all you see is a black hole of emptiness. A reminder of what could’ve been… but never really was.

Every time he says he’s going somewhere with someone, you scrutinize his facial expressions to try and see if he’s telling you a lie. When he says, “I love you baby”, you go “Yeah bloody right.” in your head. Whenever he does something else wrong, it somehow always leads back to the time he lied to you and broke your heart.

Things can never be the same again. Time can cover up wounds but it will not change facts or erase memories.

Perhaps you can somehow bring yourself to forgive…. but you will never, EVER forget.

(case in point, years after breaking up with my ex I’m still rambling on about how cold hearted he is)

Don’t punish yourself for the mistake he did. It’s just not worth it. Love does not mean blindly caring for him unconditionally, if you’re absolutely miserable in the relationship you’re in at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to stand up for yourself and pursue your own happiness for once….

DO IT.

If you were looking for an answer, I hope you have it now.

Theme song of my past relationship.

I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess
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