Back from Penang

HEEWWOOO I am back in Singapore from my trip, and I’m already starting work on my next post!!!!

So many piccies and I can’t wait to tell you guys all about it :) :) :)

Super long post that’s taking awhile to edit and blog but I promise it’ll be up by tomorrow 24th Nov!.. (above pic only resized)

Thanks for being patient with me!!!!

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Today’s post is merely for the sake of updating and if a happy, interesting post is what you’re looking for, then this is not it.

I feel like life has been so slow this year, and I’m really sick and tired of living like a robot / zombie day in and out.

I know it’s obnoxious of me to blame it on my long distance relationship, but I am. I also know I’ve said countless times before, that being in a LDR changes you… but it turns out that it’s affecting me a lot more than I think.

Before I got into a LDR, I was a go getter, always interested in trying new things, always on the move with my life.

Now, I’m numb, cold, bored of everything and too lazy to get off my arse for anything anymore… You ask, how does being in a LDR turn you into something like that?!

It’s hard to explain, but basically, I’ve been wanting something so much, for so long, that really, I don’t want anything anymore. I’m uninterested to plan or think about the future, because it hurts so much.

To me, it feels like the future is never coming. It’s been a damn year, and everything’s still the same. My life has come to a standstill.

I know this can be easily changed if I put my heart into it and start being productive again, but I’m feeling so down, like I don’t want good things for myself anymore. I’m always so pissed with my boyfriend, always having so many fights that frankly…. I’m tired of it all.

My heart’s now telling me it doesn’t know what it wants. Because wanting something means great expectations, and everytime I have great expectations, I receive great disappointments instead.

And this relationship used to be all that I wanted.

I wanted to get good grades, get into a good Australian University and move in with him.

Right now even the thought of moving in with him seems out of the question. How could I possibly live with somebody who’s so incapable of handling his emotions and difficult situations? I don’t need another boy who just sits there and cries whenever he doesn’t know what to do.

Real men cry, when they can’t do anything about the situation.. boys cry to pretend like they’re really upset and hoping that would gain them some sympathy votes.

He always makes promises, empty ones, and I feel so silly for believing every single one of them.

I’m not upset because I’m afraid to be alone.. I’m upset because, for the first time in my life, I knew exactly what I wanted and I was so determined to achieve it.

I tried, and I tried hard, but it seems like you’d throw it all away. Your immaturity disgusts me, and the fact that you can be so DIFFERENT in a short amount of time makes me think you have a personality disorder.

I mean, psychological problems must be the only logical explanation as to why you’ve been acting so strangely, right??

I told you to go seek help, and I hope you did.

Have I ever mentioned that when I cry, sometimes he LAUGHS at me?!

I need my own space, but you refuse to give that to me. You spam call my phone, giving me 20 missed calls, or until I pick up. If I turn off my phone, you bug me on MSN, and call my home phone, any possible way to annoy me even further.

When all else fails, you threaten to commit suicide and even took out a knife to cut your skin to freak me out.

Is this how a loving relationship is supposed to work? Sounds FUCKED UP to me.

When I try to talk some sense into you, all you do is keep quiet and it drives me crazy. I’d rather you lie to my face, scream vulgarities or argue back than to just keep quiet. Do you have ANY idea what it’s like to try and work things out with somebody who keeps his bloody mouth shut 99% of the time?!?

Don’t tell me now to try and work things out. Don’t you dare. Nobody sees that I’ve tried, but I know damn well myself that I HAVE fucking tried, and it’s just not working out… I’m not going to listen to ANYONE’S advice, because I know that nobody understands this situation.

Doesn’t anyone see that for THIS WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, this relationship has been the only thing I’ve been working on?

I need a mature individual for a companion, not a boy who pisses me off (intentionally) and then begs me for forgiveness afterwards.

I say intentionally because I’ve specifically warned him against doing certain things that I know will set my temper off, and he consciously makes every decision knowing fully well I wouldn’t be happy about it but you know what??

HE MAKES THAT DECISION ANYWAY.

And that is what I cannot stand. I am not your top priority anymore, that’s what annoys the fuck out of me, because here you are claiming how much you love me and how much you care, but it’s not MY feelings you care about, it’s yours.

Isn’t it apparent that you’ve long stopped bothering about how I feel??

Open your eyes, and see that everything you’ve done recently is for yourself, not me. You only take flights down to Singapore when I threaten to break up with you, you only make empty promises to keep me temporarily satisfied while I wait for them to happen…

If you truly loved me, you would have seen just how fucking miserable I’ve been recently. When I say recently I actually mean the past few months. Truly loving somebody means placing someone elses happiness before your own.

I’m not doing that, and neither are you.

But hey, at least I’m not the one going around pretending to be the victim of a stressed relationship and in the name of true love.

I KNOW I’M BEING SELFISH, but I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m a conceited 18 year old who has been in many fucked up relationships before, so now I just want to look pretty and live happily and eat good food and buy nice things and I deserve the fucking right to be selfish thank you very much. I’ll think about settling for second best when I’m older and less attractive.

I love you for free and I’m not your mother… but you don’t even bother.

I know you’re flawed, everyone is, but I’m tired of trying to fix you. Some people you just can’t fix.. You need me, but that’s not my problem.

You can’t even be bothered FIXING YOURSELF.

Speaking of needs, my ex-boyfriend needed me too. I used to think that I was the one who needed him, not the other way around, but I was wrong.

Why else would he have got down on his knees, begged me to stay with him only to turn around and stab me in the heart multiple times later on?

He needed me as a toy to emotionally abuse, for his sick narcissistic needs and there’s no one else to blame but myself, because I was the only girl silly enough to stay with him that long.

2 and a half years, that’s how much time I’ve wasted on him. And the truth is, from the first few months that I was with him, I was already telling myself I should just let go of it because it won’t end well. Yet I stuck around for 2 years more. I don’t wanna waste as much time as I did before.

I’m not a girl looking for unconditional love and somebody to marry her.

I know that relationships sometimes don’t work out, and that’s okay with me. It hurts, but I’ll get over it, like I’ll get over any hurdle thrown in my way.

What I refuse to do is wallow in self pity and stick around in a relationship that I know is slowly eating me up inside and destroying every ounce of confidence and happiness I’d so painstakingly built up since my last failed relationship.

I don’t want to make the same mistake again, trying to fix a boy, trying to make him love me the way I want him to.

Loving somebody is useless unless you love them the way they NEED to be loved.

It sucks, because I could’ve sworn that at the start, we were perfect. I know that every relationship’s beginning is sugary sweet but we were REALLY perfect. How could you have changed so much within a year??

People say, “But you guys were so happy!!!”

YES! As you can see, we were VERY happy when I decided to overlook all our problems and focus on the good bits only. Convince myself that everything’s going to change.

But I’ve waited for more than a year now and nothing’s changed, so am I happy now?? NO.

People only talk about the good times we’ve had, but have you ever seen how many times I’ve broken down and cried my guts out? Have you ever seen me stay up till 6am every night because my relationship problems are keeping me awake?

Usually, when we have fights, even big ones, I sleep on it and I wake up the next day feeling MUCH better. Then I start to feel a little sorry, and apologize for being a bitch before, and carry on with the relationship.

But it’s different now.

I woke up today, wondering what the heck am I doing wasting time like this, wasting what could have been some of the best years of my life.

When I look at you now, I don’t see the guy I once knew.

…And that scares me, because I wonder where he’s gone, and if he’s ever coming back.

I’m sorry. We could have been so good together.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Snow at Fall’s Creek!!

I’ve never seen snow in my whole life before.

Well, I saw flurries of snow in Las Vegas once, and I’ve seen snow in Chicago from inside a train, but not the REAL kinda snow – like up there in the alps, where you get snow storms, and vast endless mountains absolutely covered with fluffy white snow!!

Of course, all that changed when we took a road trip from Melbourne to Fall’s Creek - a ski resort about 5 hours away from Melbourne City!

As usual, the drive there was rather scenic… you’ve no idea how pretty their country side is :)

Just evergreen cascading hills and cows and sheeps and cows and birds!!

After what seemed like forever, we finally reached Fall’s Creek and checked into our apartment (we managed to get one super last minute – amazing! a cheap one too)

How “snow ski resort” does this look?! Haha.

There’s 2 floors, with like 4 bedrooms.. pretty good deal. Quite cosy indeed for the low price we paid, like 600 AUD I think?! Snow ski resort prices are exorbitant!!

Ok, so the first thing I noticed when I got out of the car and stepped onto like 4 inches full of thick snow was when you don’t have proper snow shoes.how HARD it is to walk in the snow

I was wearing boots, a rather smooth and flat based one, so I was slipping all over the place wtf!!!

Each step has to be carefully taken otherwise I’d find myself in a slippery wet pool of snow and getting up is even harder than walking itself.

The second thing I noticed was how it wasn’t as cold as I expected!

Sure it’s super cold when you’re up in the mountains and there’s a snow storm, but really, normally it’s very bearable. I could walk around in a jacket and jeans, which is what I normally wear in average winters!

There’s Loc Tran (sam’s friend) and Sam renting our ski equipment for the day…

Hahahah they look so faggish. Snow gear is NOT flattering at all :P

Hahahaha he’s a prime example!!

One of his worst pics ever he looks like he’s going to mug and rape me if I walk down a dark alley with him.

I honestly really wanted to try out skiing, but for some stupid reason Sam practically forced me to do snowboarding instead and I totally regret my decision!! (or in this case, sam’s insensitivity and poor judgement)

First of all, snowboarding shoes are SUPER HEAVY AND SUPER THICK OMFG if you thought 6 inch heels was hard to walk in, snowboarding shoes are DEATH.

I would take a 6 inch killer stiletto and walk in it for a full DAY over walking in snowboarding shoes.

To my horror, we had to walk up 6 flights of stairs in our horrid snowboarding shoes to our apartment to get changed into the proper snow gear that we rented for the day… I think I almost died.

Before we’d even started ANY activity I was tired and miserable as fuck already.


This is what snowboarding looks like….
(from a first person view)

Shoes that weigh like 2kg (no fucking shit!!) and you’re strapped in so uncomfortably and strongly that it feels like the shoes are cutting into your skin.

Plus they’re about 20 cm think omfg. (ok a little exaggerating here but they ARE mad thick you can’t move your foot anymore. to walk, you have to lift your entire leg up in elaborate unnatural movements)


Sam successfully up on his board for the first time!!!

I reckon the hardest thing about this sport (for me) is learning how to STAND UP ON THE BOARD.

You’re meant to strap in your shoes securely fastened to your board, (tedious troublesome process that takes forever) and then you’re meant to be able to STAND UP, all while having your feet glued to a big ass board on a slippery snow surface with no support whatsoever wtf?!?!

And you keep falling down (as a beginner) and you have to get back up again… repeat process x 100.


I felt so retarded, like one of those soldier toys from Toy Story.

I used to laugh at how they walked, but man, I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Imagine having your feet being stuck to a plank like THAT, and if you fell down on an icy cold slippery surface, how the fuck are you going to get up?! It’s all about arm strength to push yourself up in the worst possible position and I happen to have zero strength in everywhere especially my arms.

Everytime I’d manage to ALMOST stand up, my board would start to slip away and I’d be sliding all over the place.

So frustrating… I took so long to get the hang of it that Sam became really pissed off and started saying I’m physically useless and laughing at my misery instead of trying to HELP me.

HE WAS SO MEAN DURING THAT TRIP OMG YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA!!! I JUST HAVE TO SHARE because I’m still cut bout it till now.

Thank goodness I had Nicole, who is Loc Tran’s girlfriend to help me remain sane and she was soooooo nice to me.. especially when Sam wasn’t!!

This was NOT what I had in mind…

When I thought of a snow trip, I thought we’d do some snowmobiling and toboggan down the hills and make snowmen and ski for a few hours..

Instead of suffering trying to snowboard when I’m obviously nowhere near physically fit enough to take on such a demanding and challenging extreme sport.

HELLO, I can’t even swim properly or ride a bicycle, snowboard for fuck?!?!?

We finally took the ski lift up to the mountains… which was probably the most fun I had all day.


Everything was soooo white and pure… :)

And it’s funny seeing everyone bundled up in thick ugly clothes like that, lol. In the movies you see the ski resorts being all sunny and perfect weather ish… when the truth is, most days, it’s oversnowing and it’s amaaaaaazingly cold!

Such a hostile environment!!

I was half hoping to spot some snow wolves or even polar bears LOL?! I know that’s silly of me but it did seem like I was in the arctic for a moment. I could not see ANYTHING in sigh except miles of white snow.


Scary, yet beautiful at the same time…
Knowing you’re completely alone up here, and if you injure yourself and nobody finds you, you’d be left alone to freeze to death wtf?!

I continued my failed attempts to snowboard and got so bloody frustrated coz I was falling all over the place (when everyone else was like graceful. they all seemed like pros wtf) and cursing myself for not trying out skiing instead.

Skiing is apparently a lot more fun and easier for beginners too…

I was on the verge of tears – I wanted to have fun, not doing this!! This was all Sam’s idea :(

I think I DID cry actually… but through the tears and frustration, we somehow managed to find some comfort and happiness. We both sat down in the middle of the snowy mountain and lied on our backs, looking up into the sky…

Our romantic moment was ruined by snowflakes falling into our face and eyes every 2 seconds lol. Bad idea.

I imaged light snowflakes to be gently falling from the sky ala Christmas Day snow in movies – WRONG.

Coupled with super strong winds, the little snowflakes are like tiny icy shards that cut into my skin everytime they come into contact with my delicate face!

So we faced the other way opposite from the direction the snow was coming towards and cuddled up in a ball… twas sooo cold.

It gets EXTRA cold when you’ve the wind in your face and you start falling and thus getting SNOW IN YOUR PANTS and up your sleeves wtf.

My hair was completely fucked too!!!

By the end of the day I had a ball of ice in my pants (numb butt!), and enough ice in my hair to make a giant bowl of ice kachang – I was truly a walking talking popsicle.

Sidetrack a bit, I LOVE MY CANON D10!!

It’s freeze proof (it can tolerate super low subzero temperatures), water proof (can dunk it underwater and leave it for extended periods of time!) and also SHOCK PROOF – resistant to impact, you can throw it, knock it, let it fall… whatever. it’s sturdy as can be.

Best fucking resistent camera ever, I use it all the time, at the beach, in water theme parks, in snowy mountains… even in everyday situations.

I had it strapped to my wrist the whole time I was snowboarding – whenever I fell, I used my camera as support and it got knocked and buried in the snow so many times I was worried it would suffer and die.. but when we got back to the apartment, I did a check and it didn’t even have ONE extra scratch on it lol.

Supercam!!!

It’s such a pity they discontinued this amazing camera but I’m damn happy I got it before they cut off production for it!!!! LOVE ♥

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Kk back to snow.

Eventually, I smartened up and gave up the thought of snowboarding (FINALLY).

I was like, “FUCK this, I’m gonna have some fun!!!” so I took off my snowboard from my feet, put it on the ground and started SLIDING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN ON THE BOARD!!

Omfg I went soooooo fast you shoulda seen me go haha.

I was like, “WeeeEEeEeeEEee!!”

Of course I know it’s kinda against the “rules” so I did this in an area with very little skiiers and snowboarders so I wouldn’t get in their way.

I did get a few stares though. Like, “Ha, you nub! Try doing the real thing one day!”

Kept doing that for the rest of the day – sliding down the mountain on my board… sounds boring but it was more fun than anyone else knew!!!!

Effortless, classic and you get the SAME adrenaline rush without having to exhaust yourself. *nods*

The days are short on snowy mountains, by 6pm all activities should be ended (unless you’re going for a special guided tour of night skiing) and we went for dinner!!

Didn’t take any pics coz I was exhausted by then (I swear I’ve never been more tired) but the food was amazing. Expensive, but sooooo yummy and comforting after a tiresome grueling day..

We went back to our apartment and made dessert (sticky date pudding! yum) and played Scrabble… that’s when I realized I wasn’t just not feeling well, I had a full on high fever!!!!

I felt really hot, yet really cold at the same time… It was awful :(

Would tell you the rest of the details of the night, some really fucked up stuff happened but I don’t wanna seem like I’m complaining TOO MUCH so I’ll keep quiet for now. I know I’ve been ranting quite a bit in this post.. but you don’t understand.. so nevermind.

I guess some things are best kept to yourself.

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Woke up the next morning feeling MUCH better.

No ice in my hair, got a great night’s rest, fever subsided and best of all… no snowboarding for the day!!! Hah. Perfect.

Isn’t the view from our window gorgeous? We were positioned right next to the ski lift (convenient much!!) and it was pretty funny seeing people slip and fall while getting on and off the lift lol!

We cooked an awesome hearty breakfast, before heading out once more…

Sam and Loc Tran playing in the snow - snowball fight!!! Haha too cute :)

They’re 24 years old btw.

Something bout fluffy white snow truly does bring out the innocence in everyone! There’s no denying its magic.

Tried to snap a pic of Nicole and this man just walked right in front of me… Where’s yo manners boy?!?!

Second time our photo got ruined by some passing man!!!

I think everyone’s just TOO cold and too tired to be bothered with manners up there in the mountains lol. No one’s friendly or talks unless you’re indoors…


Finally, a proper picture of pretty Nicole!!

It was oversnowing that day, (yes, that’s what they really call it – OVERsnowing) so absolutely NO vehicles were allowed to move on the mountain at all, not even vehicles with snow chains… and it was really tough weather to walk in, so in order to get anywhere, THIS baby had to fetch everyone around to their destinations!

I still can’t believe I didn’t get to try snowmobiling!! Can’t wait for my next snow trip I’d definitely do it then!! It’d be a relaxing no-snowboarding and torturing yourself one :)

You see that fluff ball dangling at the bottom of my beanie?

It was so cold that that fluff ball collected heaps of ice and turned into a GIANT snow ball haha!!! I was like, “dude, why does it feel like there’s so much weight on my neck?”

Then I looked down and saw this massive thing hanging off my head. o_O

Super cute mini snowman!!! :)

Oh my, all this talk about snow and snowmen makes me so excited for Christmas…

“Frosty the snowman was jolly happy soul!” – One of my fav songs since I was a kidddd

I think it’s safe to say everyone looked like shit in the snow. My eyes are so small they might as well be closed hahahahahahaha

Snowball fight!!!

It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, since you’re wearing like 3 layers of clothing underneath.. Super fun though, it’s the only time you can throw shit at strangers and they have no reason to be mad at you coz everyone’s doing it!

Sam sculpted this weird face thing on a table LOL

This boy got so freaked out by it, he was like, “OMG MUM!!!! LOOK!! A FACE.. in the snow……….” but his mum CBF.

We ran off to a more secluded area, with minimum tourists and buildings… which means like 7 inches worth of thick snow to play around in!!!

I love it!!!

It was though I was in a white haven of sorts :)

Sam making a snow angel!!! ^.^

THIS IS WHAT I CAME TO THE SNOW TO DO!! Just bounce around in marshmallowy ground…

You can just let yourself FALL to the ground and it won’t hurt one bit because snow is like shaved ice and it cushions the impact so much you feel like you’re lying on nothing!

The pictures I’m about to post next is probably gonna be social suicide but… DUDE WHATEVER!!!!!

Everyone looks like shit in the snow (although not quite as bad as me) but behold, Underage Girl comes sliding down a hill in all her glory!!

OMFG have you ever seen such a pathetic and hilarious fat lump of joy sliding down a marshmallow bed before?!?!?

Fucking funny if I do say so myself!!!!

I know it’s infinitely unflattering… but whatever lah ok lol I get to be ugly sometimes too!

You can see how heavy the snow storm was…. But I loved it all the same :)

It was only July then, but I found myself singing songs like “Jingle Bell Rock” and “We wish you a Merry Christmas!!”

Everytime I see snow imaginary jingling bells ring in my head and I imagine Santa Claus flying across the sky in his sleigh going, “Ho ho ho!”

LOL it’s true.

It’s time to make a snow man!!!

We wanted a GIANT one… Something that’s just as big or even bigger than us :P

Didn’t realize how HARD it was to make a snowman…

You’d think it’d just be piling snow, how hard could it be?

But to MAKE the snowman a round shape and to keep the snow from crumbling into little pieces instead of remaining as a whole solid is quite difficult!

We took like 2 hours ish to make this snowman:

THAT IS UTTERLY MASSIVE!!!!!!!!!!

Hard work, but it paid off coz it’s so big and cute hehe. I’ve always wanted to build a snowman with my own hands.. just one of life’s strange little pleasures.

Remember what I said about me having enough ice in my hair to make a giant bowl of ice kachang for you?? LOL.

Sleeping in the snow like an angel….

Not really.

More like I was being swallowed alive by the snow LOL!!!! I couldn’t feel my arms or legs at all :D

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End of snow trip at Fall’s Creek!!!

Although I fell sick and was terribly exhausted and conditions were much worse than I thought and I’d gone through things I wish I hadn’t…

It was still an amazing experience overall :)

It was so new and so exciting, even if it was tough!!!!!!!!!!! Got some really epic pictures out of it too, hehe.

Snowboarding was a real challenge for me, and although I failed with a capital F, I can at least say I’ve tried!!

I’d definitely go back to the snow again. This time I’d be a lot more prepared. And I’m gonna do some snowmobiling for fuck’s sake.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess
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