Only almost here

The past 2 nights have been the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

I used to say crying every once in awhile actually feels kinda good cuz it makes me feel alive… but I realized it’s when you can’t stop crying that you feel the most helpless.

I’m losing my patience with Sam, I’m becoming more confused and I’m falling out of place…

Perhaps being in a long-distance relationship has begun to take its toll on us. We’re a lucky couple, but it takes a lot to pretend that it’s not a tough relationship to maintain.

It’s hard when the person your life revolves around isn’t there with you all the time – he only drops by once every month. Despite the fact that once a month is considered pretty good for long-distance couples, sometimes I wonder if it’s good enough for me.

I’m not the sort of girl who needs to cling into her boyfriend every single day, but the nights do get stupidly lonely and just knowing that he’s a 8 hour plane flight away just makes it even worse.

I think being on Skype with each other every night was also a bad decision. It made me feel like he was sort of there with me every night… but in essence, not really.

With time, it began to feel like his “presence” didn’t even matter – because whether he was there or not, I felt lonely anyway.

I know I’ve said that he’s the only one who understands me, but sometimes even that special person has no idea what to say or what to do to make you feel better. I don’t know how to feel right now, I feel almost guilty for feeling the way I do because I know he loves me.

I know he’s such a sweetie, I know he tries but god damn it, is it really a crime to tell somebody you love that their best just isn’t enough anymore?

I’m sorry for the hurtful things I’ve said, I just feel that if I don’t put it in your face, you’ll never get it. I hate it when people don’t take me seriously.

They say action speaks louder than words, but I’m the sort of person who will remember every single word of every single conversation and I will always remember how your words made me feel.

I can try to pretend to forget mistakes, but no, they will be forever etched in my mind. I can forgive, but I never forget. And it’s fucked up, because I’ve been this way ever since I’ve been cheated by my ex-boyfriend again and again.

I know it’s not your fault I had a bad experience with my ex-boyfriend and that I’m in a new relationship – but you don’t know that who I am today is directly related to who I was. Behind every strong girl is an asshole who made her that way.

It was my first relationship, and I gave it my all like every first love would but it all came crashing down me. It’s so hard to trust someone fully with all your heart again.

But I trusted you. I really did. You just disappointed me.

Time and time again…

You may think it’s just a simple mistake – but to me, it’s a mistake that I’ve been through and over with a thousand times, a mistake that I shouldn’t have to experience again. I warned you. I told you never to.

You’re so different now, like an empty shell. Where has the boy I fell in love with gone? I’ll probably never know.

I’m tired of and refuse to take bullshit from people, even my boyfriend. I expect the same out of people that I can expect out of myself, but I’m starting to realize perhaps not everybody seeks perfection.

I don’t know how long more I can keep this up.. It’s almost as if everyday, I’m living a lie. I feel like the person I fell in love with 9 months ago has suddenly disappeared. I miss the way you made me feel, the way your love filled me up inside and the truth is, I miss you.

You’re not the same, we’re not the same.

The signs were there, ever since our Orlando trip I know that things have been changing but I never knew that it would become so bad so quickly.

I probably seem like an asshole, but I respect you enough to tell you the truth of how I’m feeling. You try, but you don’t try hard enough.

And if you think that this is your best, then perhaps we weren’t as good together as we thought.

I’m a young girl, I am but only 18, I have my whole life ahead of me for settling with boring commitments but at this age, I shouldn’t have to feel lonely and empty and restricted and I should never have to settle for second best. Is it really too much to ask for?

Ending this entry here because all this jibberish ranting isn’t making me feel any better and there’s no point anyway.

He’s on a plane to see me right now, because I know that if we don’t work things out soon, everything will end here.. He’s landing in about 3 hours, which should give me enough time to study for my exam tomorrow.

Public Relations. Yuck.

And I thought my days couldn’t get much worse.

To complement my disgustingly emo post, here’s a beautiful song that I always wished didn’t relate to me so much.

Did I hear you right?
‘Cause I thought you said
Let’s think it over

You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason

Don’t let go on us tonight
Love’s not always black and white
Haven’t I always loved you?

But when I need you
You’re almost here
And I know that’s
Not enough
But when I’m with you
I’m close to tears
‘Cause you’re only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won’t you let me

Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven’t I always loved you

But when I need you
You’re almost here
And I know that’s
Not enough
But when I’m with you
I’m close to tears

‘Cause you’re only almost here.



“Animal” by Sam

…Because Social Suicide is fun we should laugh at ourselves once in awhile, here’s a hilarious video Sam made with random footage of me he’s taken over the past few months.

As stupid as I look in some of the scenes, I still love the video and how personal + funny you made it baby!

P.S – Dropping that chicken wing was one of the worst mistakes in my life.




Moon River, wider than a mile,

I’m crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,

wherever you’re going I’m going your way…

Two drifters off to see the world..

There’s such a lot of world to see.

We’re after the same rainbow’s end

waiting ’round the bend,

my huckleberry friend,

♥ Moon River and me


Our day spent in Epcot @ Disneyland was surprisingly short, but thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless.

Short because of the ginormous lines everywhere. Note to self – Christmas at Disney is well splendid, however extremely hard to survive.

But at the end of the day, it’s still Disney.

You can’t go to a Disney theme park and not feel on top of the world! :)

It was a beautiful sunny and relatively warm day, a perfect opportunity for me to wear my cropped faux fur jacket.

Isn’t it cute?!

I was hesitant about buying it at first because my mum kept saying no, but it turns out I was right about it looking good on me. Sorry mum, but you’re not always right!

Us and the unmistakable Epcot globe!

The thing about going to popular tourist destinations is that you’ll never have a shot without random people in the back of your pictures. I love all our pics though, they’re gorgeous! ♥

Camwhoring is about the only thing to do while waiting in a line that never seems to move.. that, and the iphone. Whoever disses the iphone can suck it because obviously you’ve never been trapped in Disney lines before.

Which would you pick then, the boring and useless BB or the non-stop entertainment iphone?!?

Our first stop of the day — Mission Space.

Crazily popular, apparently one of Disney’s rides and even though I didn’t like the sound of “People with motion sickness should not ride”, I decided to brave it anyway because I’m gung ho like that.

Turns out it was exactly like what I feared.

They put you into this SUPER SMALL space which looks like this:

Credit to Awesome Florida

..And then it turns dark, and weird spaceship like lights flash all around and they start to spin you like crazy and they do something with the pressure in the cabin so that it’s hard to breathe (like it would be in space) and omg the taking off from Earth part was awful.

It really did feel like I was in a space shuttle shooting up into the sky.

They made the ride super bumpy because we were avoiding meteors or whatever the fuck in space and all that was going through my mind is, “Jess, take in deep breaths and don’t puke all over yourself now, just hold it in”

They even had 3d graphics and all to make it realistic, and there was SOOOO MUCH G-FORCE GOING ON it was a ride like no other, honestly.

I’ve been on hundreds of roller coasters but this one was epic. As much as it made me want to puke (I absolutely hate the ride, btw) everyone else seemed to love it and I must say it was a unique experience.

I’ll NEVER, ever go on simulators again though. They’re just awful and they give me the most terrifying headaches.

But yes, it was a ride well done, Epcot!
Extremely realistic.

I felt like crying after I came out of the ride because I just felt that bad. I didn’t even talk to Sam, I just pointed at a bag of gummy bears and shoved the whole bag into my mouth.

Felt heaps better after that… Thank god for sour gummies!!!

We also bought space ice cream, which was REALLY freakin good.

Tastes nothing like ice cream, but oh-so-good.. if it wasn’t so expensive, we’d buy more!! It was a texture that was completely new – kinda like a biscuit, but a creamy dry version.

One thing I liked about Epcot was that it was more slow-paced, so we could take everything in and enjoy the moment…

Instead of zipping from one roller coaster to the other. That is good fun, but sometimes you need a break from all that chaos.

The days always seemed extra perfect in Orlando.

We’ll walk down this path together

Epcot features a “world showcase” and shows you the different scenery and architecture of different countries..

This was Mexico!

I liked this a lot, they had good food and music. Nice atmosphere :)

We didn’t bother to walk around to see the “rest of the world”. I’d rather see the real thing with my own eyes in the real country!

Here we have… China.

Absolutely filled to the brim with people – the most popular spot in Epcot.

Whether angmohs like to admit it or not, every other white person is obsessed with chinese food and culture. Why be racist when you actually admire what it stands for? Seems to me some people have white supremacy problems.

After being in America for quite awhile, seeing this actually made me miss home.

My favourite part of the day was probably finding NOODLES!!!

OH MY GOD CHINESE FOOD!!! Freaking finally!!!!

I wolfed down the bad-tasting bowl of beef noodles like it was the best meal I’ve ever had.

Unexpectedly finding chinese food in America is like waking up on Christmas morning to realize it’s snowing.

Just… beautiful :’)

I love junk / western food and soft drinks but MY GOD, I swear these people don’t eat anything else except burgers and fries. If you want anything other than that (in theme parks) be prepared to pay 100 USD ++ for just lunch.


We went to walk around their merchandise store and I LOL-ed at this:

Trust Americans to be tactful like that.

It is quite stunning, isn’t it?

So much that me and Sam decided to give most of the attractions a miss to just hang around this place, taking pictures, sharing jokes and people watching…

And doing silly things like:

Seeing how far we can pull his lips using a bitten off end of a gummy


Everytime people walked into the chinese gardens, Sam would stand in front of the gate and bow while saying “WELCOME!” because we were pretty much the only asians there LOL hilarious as hell.

Tired of hearing lame comments about him always carrying my bag (it’s FUCKING heavy, do you know how much shit we chuck inside there when we travel?) so he decided to pose gay once and for all.

Silly boy!!!

♥ ♥ ♥

Azn Pride!!!!!


We went on this cool water ride that showed us the history and culture of Norway, and it seemed sooo beautiful.. now I REALLY WANNA GO NORWAY!!

I wanna ride on snowmobiles and dog sleds and look at the ever amazing Northen Lights and they even have killer whales. Gosh.

Too many places I have to visit, too little time… and cash.

Some random statues from a China War exhibit

LOL this picture is win!!!

We were waiting in line to take pictures with Santa Claus (I think) and when it came to our turn, the asswipe got up and left, saying he’ll come back an hour later and it was his break time. WTF!

We insisted on taking a picture with him anyway and this was the result.

It got REALLY stupidly cold at night, so I bought me some mittens! They’re probably for kids, but I guess I could pull off some mickey mittens.

Too bad Sam lost one side of them so I only have the right hand left T_T

While waiting for our turn at watching a performance about The Lion King’s circle of life.

My favourite ride, “SOARING” was mad packed with people, so much that I couldn’t go on it!! Omfg I was so disappointed.

It’s one of the most memorable moments in my life, because I remember being 10 years old and going on the ride again and again with my Dad in California. It was our number 1 favourite.

I don’t think any other childhood memory tops that…

I still can’t believe we couldn’t go on it… *smacks head into a wall* Now I’m gonna have to go back to Disney again soon!

If you ever visit Disney, you MUST MUST MUST go on Soaring. We went Parasailing the day after this though, so all was not lost :P

At least he was there to make things better :3

Not going on Soaring didn’t seem all that bad afterall.. (BUT IT IS. I’M CRYING INSIDE NOW)

Check out these cool Seashell cubicles in a Finding Nemo attraction! That movie is soooo cute.

Nemo… where areeEeeEeeEeeee you?

I remember this shark from the movie!

It’s a pity I can’t record all the rides on video,

they’re so magical and whimsical and just plain amazing!

The best part about Disney and yet I can’t capture it to remember it by. Sigh~~


We wrapped up the day by looking at gay dolphins (remember the video? LOL) and buying more sour candy!

Mhmmm, we really did wear those mouse hats everyday, everywhere.

Nothing marks the end of a great day better than..

As usual, stunning fireworks!!!!

This was about the best shot I could get with my hands shivering from the cold. I wasn’t kidding when I said in Orlando, we watched fireworks every night.

Epcot was a great mix of everything - it featured sci-fi action, animals, world class architecture, world peace messages and of course – exhilarating rides.

Orlando, you’ve been too kind to us.. Thanks for yet another unforgettable day.

Sam and Jess, signing off!


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