We Are The World

Seeing as I don’t know what pictures to post to suit this entry, I’m just going to upload a random picture of me that’s not necessarily related to this post at all.

I just came back from school, and instead of attending a lesson we actually had singing auditions! It was for some music video my school was going to film and they were looking for talents. It’s compulsory if you want your attendance marked (my school is SUPER uptight about attendance) so everyone had to go through it.

It was quite a unique experience, there was excitement in the air as it buzzed with giggles and nervousness of students who had mixed feelings about the impromptu idea of auditioning your voice in front of everyone as they just stood there, all ready to objectify you and to judge whether you have talent or not.

I was nervous too. I mean, you don’t just reach school feeling all lazy and reluctant and suddenly you’re told to sing in front of a crowd. I don’t know why I get stage fright, since I reckon I sing and speak pretty well but I suppose I’m always afraid of screwing up. I’m the sort of person who kicks myself again and again over situations whereby I felt I could have done better. If people were present to judge me and to remember it, even worse.

Turns out all that worrying was for nothing.

Surprisingly, or to be truthful not that surprisingly, I got picked for a role and it looks like I’ve accidentally signed up to be part of some “We Are The World” music video my school is going to produce soon. It’s a good thing though, for the first time ever I feel like I’m actually participating in a school-related activity, even if it’s just for some video.

I’ve never been one to be active in school, be it participating in lessons or mixing around with friends. I try to skip as much of it as I can.

I bumped into an old classmate at the recording studio, and we got talking. He told me that my old class missed me when I was gone. (I switched class) I told him not to lie and he had to convince me he’s not. It’s nice to hear something like that from a person whom you thought didn’t care about your existence, even if it was said only to make you feel better.

Somehow, we ended up discussing “class politics” and I said I don’t know very much about it since I distance myself from everyone.

He said, “I can see that”

There’s something about the look in his eyes when he said that sentence made me wonder what kind of person other people think I am. Most of the time I really don’t give two hoots, but I won’t deny that at times I do get curious. Sometimes I feel regretful that I don’t try to socialize very much with people at school, because it’s heartwarming to see how close classmates can be but ever since high school, I’ve shut myself out from people around me.

Sometimes I envy people who have a thousand and one friends, because most of the time I feel like I have none. Sometimes I wish I could open up to people more, and try to find some good in them that would make me want to put in effort to be friends with them. Sometimes I feel lonely, and I feel like I’ve got no one to hang out with. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.

But as time passed, I realized that I am nothing like everyone else. Not implying that I am better than them in any way, but I just feel different. I am different. We are all different. And I don’t want to try and fit in with the crowd.

I cannot go up to someone and smile at them and strike up a conversation just because they’re my classmate. I’m not the sort of people who is friends with everyone.

I find it pointless to have small talk with people I honestly don’t really care about. I know that the only reason why I am talking to them is because they are convenient conversations. They are people who happen to be stuck in the same classroom with me at school.

Sadly, they are nothing more than that and my assumptions are only proven right when holidays come and I realize I don’t make any effort in staying in contact with them after lessons have ended.

I only want to be friends with someone whom I’m not making use of / someone who’s not making use of me, someone who is not convenient but I would go out of my way just to be in touch with and someone whom I feel can add positive meaning to my life. Someone whose company I actually enjoy.

And I think I’ve realized just how hard it is to find that special someone.

I know I’m expecting a lot out of just a friend, you don’t have to remind me. It’s the reason I have so little. I think the ones that I do have, I can count with my fingers on one hand.

I can get along with people just fine, but I find it so hard to like someone enough to want to get to know them better, to feel like they are worth my time. I don’t know if this may come across as being snobbish, but trust me, I wish things wouldn’t have to be this way too.

I suppose I don’t give people a chance, that’s why I don’t get any either.

Being the way I am has forced me to become comfortable with being alone. I used to be afraid of loneliness, but then I realized it really isn’t all that bad after all.

It means not having to suck up to anybody I don’t particularly like. And that’s something I find very appealing about being alone. I get to do things my way, whenever I want, however I want. Most of the time I find that people are more trouble than they are worth.

Being alone doesn’t mean I don’t have anybody to talk to. The only people I want to talk to, I make damn sure I have plenty of contact with them, like Sam and family. The rest of them, I tend to forget about their existence, as they do with mine.

Sometimes I feel quite surprised that I have a fairly significant amount of blog readers. Because most of the time, the things I say in my blog are things people can’t be bothered listening to in real life. It makes me wonder if there really are people out there who care about the littlest things I do or say, that makes them want to read about it constantly on a website that’s poorly named “Underage-Girl”

I understand that one of the reasons I distance myself from people is because I feel like my opinions can’t be accepted, and we’re just not on the same level. The things that I find interesting, they find boring and vice versa. We don’t laugh at the same jokes, we don’t enjoy the same activities and most importantly, I’m afraid to offend people.

When I talk to people, I always find it to be a huge battle between the person I want to be and the person people would like me to be. A few years ago, some friends whom I used to be really close with called me a hypocrite because they said that I’m different from who I am in real life and on my blog.

I wanted to cry out to them, to let them know that who I truly am is what I am on my blog and even though they were my best friends, I just couldn’t be who I really was. For that, I felt like they never forgave me and ever since then I’ve distanced myself from people.

I told myself that if my true opinions are so easily disregarded or not welcome, then perhaps I shall give no opinions at all. It’s all, or nothing.

Till this day, I enjoy living in my little bubble filled with just my boyfriend and my family. Surround myself with only the things I love. I offend much less people this way, and I get to be 100% who I’d love to be. Say the things I wanna say, do the things I wanna do.

No more impressing other people or badmouthing them. No more insignificant conversations and no more having to keep up with other people’s affairs. Once in awhile, a friend comes to talk to me and I’m glad to be reminded that I still have people I’m happy to call “friends” out there. The fewer, the better – that just goes to show how important they are to me.

I’m not saying that every single person out there isn’t worth my time. In some cases, I have tried opening up to people I like but it looks like I’m not worth theirs.

Maybe one day I can bring myself to appreciate the beauty in other people. Find that there’s much more to them I didn’t know about. To stop being so quick to judge them.

But for now, I just like focusing all my attention on myself and the people close to my heart. As self-centered as it sounds, I like who I have become. I love the fact that I have no doubts about my opinions, no fears for standing up for myself because I owe nobody nothing. This way, I never have to apologize for being the way I am.

I love not having to answer to anyone for my actions. I never have to give a reason for what or when or why I do.

Maybe this explains why in recent times I only blog about Sam and Jess, Jess and Sam. I feel like he is the only one in this world who truly appreciates me. He accepts my flaws, my personality, my opinions and everything that comes along with it. I try to accept his, too.

In the future, if I am fortunate enough to find that special person I can call my best friend, I’ll be sure to let you guys know.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Lepidopterophobia

Everyone is afraid of something. Whether they’d like to openly admit it or not.

My phobia happens to be Lepidopterophobia.

Big word huh? Sometimes I feel like my phobia name is actually mocking me.. but that’s ok. I suppose it is a rather silly phobia at first impression, but when you really look and think about it properly, maybe I won’t seem so crazy after all.

According to this source,

“Community for people that fear butterflies and moths is known as Lepidopterophobia. The after affect of this is anxiety which is termed as Anxiety Lepidopterophobia.

The word Lepidopterophobia dereives from the word Lepidopterans which is any of the large order (Lepidoptera) of insects comprising the butterflies, moths, and skippers that as adults have four broad or lanceolate wings usually covered with minute overlapping and often brightly colored scales and that as larvae are caterpillars.”

I got this from a website about depression -_-

I don’t think I’m depressed, but I definitely feel anxious about Lepidopterophobia!

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Yes, I am afraid of Butterflies and Moths.

..Wait, don’t laugh just yet!!!!! They are more scary and harmful than they seem!

Now you’re probably wondering why I would be scared of supposedly “harmless, beautiful creatures”? May I correct this warped bullshit by just reminding you that they are NOT pretty!!! (and certainly not harmless)

How the fuck are butterflies “beautiful”?! Insects, in any form, are DISGUSTING.

I hate every insect, but with moths and butterflies… It’s a different kind of war man.


Take a look at them CLOSE-UP, and judge for yourself!!!

WARNING: Squeamish people who hate insects with a passion, especially moths and butterflies should be mentally prepared to look at a terrorizing image.

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OHHHHHHHMYYYYYYYGOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD.
*finds it hard to breathe*

I can’t believe I posted a picture of a fucking ugly butterfly on my blog!!!!!! My blog is polluted now. Wait, scratch that, there is no such thing as an ugly butterfly. They are ALL ugly.

I mean, will you please look at that thing!!!! It is not pretty at ALL, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! You know what’s really pretty? Me. Haha.

Ok sorry I just had to put that bit in.

BUT SERIOUSLY IS THAT FUCKING DISGUSTING OR WHAT OMFG HYPERVENTILATING NOW.

It’s fucking hairy, it looks damn evil with those beady eyes, it has freakishly long and thin antennas and it has so many legs and the fattest abdomen ever!!!

I feel myself die a little inside every time I look at that image.

I know people find the “wings” the pretty part, but will you just look past the supposedly “pretty” wings *barfs* and actually take a look at WHAT’S UNDERNEATH?

Haven’t we always said that “it’s what’s beneath the surface and what lies on the inside that counts”?


Well guess what!!!!

What lies beneath the surface of this supposed “pretty thing”…

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IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All butterfly / moth bodies look very similar so there!!! They are all hideous.

Many people say their wings come in pretty shapes and designs, but personally I think they look damn freaky and dangerous. Kind of reminds me of ugly freakish bright patterns that natives draw on their faces and masks when they go to war.

That’s what nature teaches you - unnecessarily brightly colored designs?

DEFINITELY DANGEROUS.

“Butterflies will not harm me, but they will make me harm myself.”

I know moths are less brightly colored…

But don’t even get me started on them.


WTF IS THIS?!????? Possibly even uglier then butterflies! *shudders*

You know what’s the worst part?

There are heaps of ugly creatures created by mother nature, but I don’t go out of my way to hate them just because they are ugly. What I truly, fucking hate about butterflies and moths is how supposedly “beautiful” and “harmless” they pretend to be, when in fact they are evil little blood suckers.

Kind of like the dirty cheap slut who won’t stop flirting with your boyfriend in a “friendly manner”!

Very few know of their true form, and those who do hate them with a vengeance just like I do!

I hate how butterflies and moths have NO sense of direction,

and they send themselves FLYING INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE.

First of all, they sneak in to your house through a tiny opening by the window when you’re not looking like a ninja then they find themselves a cozy spot on your wall.

Then they wait.

They wait for hours, days, just for you to come home….

Never once, do they leave their spot. They lie in the darkness, preferably in the toilet so when poor innocent Jessica switches on the bathroom light at 3am to pee, what does she see?

A FUCKING BIG, BLACK MOTH FLUTTERING AROUND MADLY IN HER FACE.

“Omfg it’s attacking me!!! It wants to eat me!!”


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With every other animal / insect in this world, when they sense danger, they will run away. But no. Cb butterflies and moths will just flutter around like crazy with disgustingly powdery furry wings and terrorize you even further.

And call me crazy, but I believe that moths / butterflies can sense fear.

They ALWAYS fly towards the one who is scared of them.

I’ve tried so many ways to avoid them but somehow they always find their way towards me. I am not crazy, I wish somebody would believe me!!!


Scenario 1 -
I come home late at night. Very aware that moths are the most active this late, I am paranoid and check every corner of my corridor to make sure there’s no cb moth lying in wait to attack me.

The coast is clear. I let out a sigh of relief.

I let my guard down, and ring the doorbell. Just to be be completely sure and make myself feel better, I do one last spot check while my maid comes to get the door.

….OMG WTF IS THAT?! Tell me that’s not a fucking big, black moth that I missed out in the corner!!!

Omg plz don’t notice me plz don’t attack me I’m just going to go inside my house and leave you alone you can attack my brother who thinks you are harmless…”

Then WHAM!

Moth immediately reads my mind and feeds off my fear.

One second it was completely still, almost looked asleep but the very next thing I know it comes FLYING TOWARDS ME AT 100KPH and flutters around my face.


T______________T

Why do they ALWAYS go for my face?!? The powdery substance on their body can blind our eyes! Not permanently, but still.

When whining to Sam one night, he in all seriousness said, “perhaps they want to feed off the proteins in your eyeball.”


WTF?


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The list of reasons why they are creepy goes on and on.

I find it freaky how they keep ramming their heads into light bulbs over and over again!!

I find it freaky how they were LARVAE at first, before becoming winged creatures of doom. OH MY GOD.

Flying larvae!! How is that not scary.

I get so freaked out when I see moths and butterflies, I will run away faster than you can ask where I’m going. I will scream and cry if one gets too near. And I will punch anybody who gets in my way of escaping.

I think one of the scariest experiences in my life is when I was showering late at night, happily splashing myself with cold water.

I already checked my bathroom beforehand to make sure it was moth free.

And out of NOWHERE, this fucking big black moth appeared (yes, my house area is full of this species) and started fluttering around crazily!!!

I couldn’t do anything because I was completely naked and wet, and the moth was fluttering in FRONT of the door, therefore I couldn’t escape!

I was so terrified because it was coming dangerously near me, all I did was sit down in a corner and cry, at the same time holding up the shower head in front of me to spray water so it wouldn’t come any nearer. In the end I had to call for my maid to get it out for me. All of this while still naked and crying LOL.

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So yeah…

I don’t really know where I got this phobia from, ever since I could remember I’ve been having nightmares about them and frankly speaking it would be a lot more convenient if I was the kind of girl who could just be brave and swat the insect away!

It also doesn’t help that my numerous traumatizing encounters with these creatures also elevated my fear. I reckon people who don’t hate insects are the people who are fortunate enough to not get caught in fucked up situations where they’re all over your face, on your bed, or just making your life a little more miserable for that 1 minute.

I was reading www.ihatebutterflies.com (GREAT WEBSITE!!!) and came across this really interesting theory:

“I saw this programme once about phobias. They were mainly focused on arachnophobia (which I note several of us here don’t have), but they also interviewed a woman who was terrified of cats. The experts analysis of her fear was that it was something about the nature of cats which she found disgusting (this was a big breakthrough, incidentally, that the roots of the ‘fear’ actually appeared to lie in disgust).
Her personal shrink reckoned that, since she was rather a prudish individual – for want of a more neutral term – she found cats’ free-roaming, unshackled existence to be abhorrent.
I’m a person who likes to know where I have things, and know where I stand. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the flittery, panicked, chaotic and random movement of moths and butterflies is what really puts me off the little fuckers in the first place.”

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And that’s totally true!
I know that moths will not eat me alive, but I hate the fact that I CANNOT stop them from coming near me. Personal space man!!!

I hate their super fast, super unpredictable movements because I cannot defend myself.. and I’m a very defensive and jumpy person by nature.

I also hate the fact that they seem to make no effort in avoiding humans. They just smack into your face all the time.

I also hate the fact that people think they are so cute / harmless / whatever, fuck you if you are one of those people!!!!

Lastly, I also hate the fact that some people make fun of me because of my phobia. Yes, I know it is irrational but I don’t laugh at other peoples phobias!

I’m not scared of heights, small spaces, roller coasters, spiders, snakes, rats, or any other common phobias. I just really hate insects, moths / butterflies in particular.


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…….So that’s my story about Lepidopterophobia.

I feel so much better after typing all of this out because it’s something that has been bothering me deeply for the longest time!

The first step to overcoming your fear is acknowledging it.

I suppose I’ve taken a step forward. I never used to talk much about it and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at pictures. Now the pictures are on my blog!!!!


How about you guys?
What are YOU really afraid of?

Come and share with me, no matter how irrational or silly it seems! Nothing I would laugh at. I’m afraid of butterflies and moths.

Leave a comment, I’d love to know!

Makes me feel less alone when people share their common fears.

P.S – Does anyone have the code to include the date at the top of your post? I can’t seem to extract it out of a normal blog skin! Do share!! ^.^

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess

Dear John was a war movie

I just finished watching Dear John and as crappy a show it was, it made me think and it made me cry. War movies always do that to me.

Every single time someone gets killed, even if it’s the bad guy, I put my hand over my mouth and let out a silent gasp and think to myself what a horrible scene I am watching.

Well not just being killed, but being abused, tortured, mistreated in any way.

Senseless murders, poverty, domestic violence, or killing in the name of “serving your country”… The list of films goes on.

No matter how many times I see people being “sacrificed” like that in movies, I can’t seem to be able to get comfortable with the idea of sitting inside a cinema and knowingly watching violence and cruelty taking place in front of my eyes.

I know that it’s for show… And that the person in the movie was not actually hurt. But to casually regard it as a form of entertainment is something I find hard to swallow and maybe that’s why one of my favourite movies is Harry Potter.

Violence based on fictional stories and real life situations are two very different genres of movies.

What really gets to me about violent films is the fact that most people don’t realize not everything in the movie is just for show. The audience will simply shrug it off and think that it is made up for their entertainment.. But the truth is, sometimes, the violence and devastating tragedies we see in movies are actually taking place and happening in this world.

Perhaps it does not exist in your world because it is something you will never experience and it takes place very, very far away from home but it exists within the same world that we all live in together as human beings and it is a fact we should acknowledge.

Afghanistan is but a plane flight away.

I find it sickening that instead of doing my part to make this world a better place, I am sitting in front of a screen watching devastating real situations being scripted and acted out, absorbing everything as a form of entertainment.

Whenever I watch a show like that (when I am forced to / can bring myself to), I ask myself, “Is this really all that entertaining?”

I hardly ever watch shows with a lot of violence, and when I do, I usually don’t want to but I sit through an entire 2 hours of it anyway because I try to convince myself not to be a sentimental freak and just accept the fact that it’s a god damn show.

When I go out with friends and even family, violent movies always seem to be a popular choice and I can’t turn them down and tell them everything I’ve said in this post so far. Is anybody even going to understand how I feel?

If you’re wondering why I watched Dear John, the movie is based on a best-selling book written by one of my favourite authors, Nicholas Sparks and it was more of a romance book / show more than anything.

Since the romance bit is quite crappy in the film, I found myself focusing on other points instead.

For the record, I’m not talking specifically about Dear John only in this post, but every other movie that is related to it.

Very rarely, watching these shows is indeed interesting / enlightening (but NEVER as casual entertainment), because it opens my eyes to the rest of the world – things I haven’t seen before, and probably never will see. It lets me know what’s going on outside of my sheltered life in Sunny Singapore.

In other places, the sun don’t shine all that bright.

But not in Sunny Singapore.

Nope. Life is all fine and dandy for us Singaporeans, but how can I ignore something that is right in front of my face? Even if it is just on a fucking cinema screen.

I guess a girl like me can’t do much to change this big world. I can hope for wars to stop, but the violence continues. I can change myself, but not the rest of the world.

I can make myself sit through a movie that thrives on ruthlessness, blood shed and sheer senseless violence but the movie doesn’t end when the 2 hours are up. I go home, I sit in front of my computer as I do everyday and I reflect upon what kind of world we live in.

Is it really okay to have such movies being made so frequently? War movies are usually big hits with the audience, that’s why there are so many of them but what is the meaning behind it all?

What do young kids think and feel when they watch such movies?

What do the grown-ups feel? Does it affect them at all, or are they too used to seeing the ugly side of life?

I hate it when they try to make it seem like there is a moral behind the story. It’s their feeble attempt in convincing us that there is some good in the show. Like when they have a happy ending to a war movie and all is fine and dandy. This country has defeated another, yay, victory…

Victory to one, defeat for another. Devastating for both. Killing a person out of selfish intentions is considered murder.

Killing many people dressed in a different uniform on a battlefield out of selfish intentions caused by politicians and people with power in a bid to serve your country is considered a heroic act.

How does this world work?

It is hardly considered a victory, much less as glorious as it appears to be.

Like I said, I lead a sheltered life and I don’t know very much of what it’s like to be caught in such a situation at all, but I do know that when there is war, there will never be a happy ending. Whatever message they are trying to bring out in certain movies is stupid because no one is buying it.

Not you, not me and certainly not the rest of the world because war is still going out there, for reasons nobody can truly explain.

The only reason left to encourage the production of such films is the fact that senseless violence sells. And after all this ranting, it is the main point I am concerned about.

What kind of pleasure do you derive from watching violent films? Do you really enjoy watching people suffer?

Just because I happen to be leading a perfectly normal and happy life, fortunate enough to not experience such things, does it give me the right to ignore these issues and not take them seriously?

What if it was happening to me? I’d be outraged that instead of all that money used to make the stupid movie about my situation, it could have gone into helping me.

Every time I watch a soldier die on screen, my heart goes out to the widows and mothers of fallen solders who gave their lives on the battlefields, because they have to put up with film after film making use of such a tragedy to generate more money.

Do we really need to see one more war movie? Haven’t we seen enough?

We barely understand it, we can’t seem to stop it… But we make blockbuster movies out of it?

I use the words “violent films / war movies / unfortunate situations” loosely. Of course there’s more than war, violence etc that’s screwing the world up. I just can’t find the words to describe them.

I am, by no means, a “World Peace & Anti-Animal-Cruelty” kind of person. For now, I am too selfish to become an activist, because I’m pre-occupied with leading my sheltered life. But at least I don’t want to be part of the majority who is completely ignorant anymore.

Perhaps I’m just a young girl, maybe I don’t understand… But I think the first step to moving forward is to actually not recognize such events as everyday, insignificant affairs.

Sometimes I feel silly for getting so emotional and worked up about these things, because really, what can a girl like me do about war and violence except revealing emotions that normal people wouldn’t care about on her blog?

But then I suppose caring but not being able to do anything is better than being able to do something but not caring.

I’m not trying to stand on my moral high horse here by making people feel bad about watching such shows. I just think we should all be a little less ignorant.

If you like that sort of “entertainment”, good for you. But the next time you watch that sort of movie, think about what you are really watching.

Compassionate feelings, even in the faintest form, is the only thing that keeps this world sane.

xoxo,
Jess

xoxo,
Jess
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