I rear ended a car this morning…the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started.
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him…
Like his mother used to do.
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
4) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
5) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
“Hey Batman! Who’s good in the sack?”
“Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don’t you try her?” replied Batman.
“I’d love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.”
“Damn shame,” said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.
“Hey GL, I’m looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor, who’s the best babe in Comicland?”
“Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don’t you try her?”
“Well, we’re sort of friends,” Superman said, “but I didn’t realize she had gotten around so much” and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I’m here.”
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed __expression. “What the hell was that??” she exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, “but my ass is killing me
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?”
The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”
The guy says, “Really. What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.”
The guy exclaims, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, “See, I told you. No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.”
(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men’s restroom…)
Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what we’re aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man, standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood.”
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her look, it won’t bend. She said, “Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood.”
Well, it’s very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn’t have been a problem!
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: “I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.”
“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.”
“And what about the third rose?” she asked.
“That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives.. however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk &walking home they needed to pee, so
they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat
down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said “These damn girl nights have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect
the worst.. my wife came home with no panties! Oh my God I’ll kill the son
of a bitch!”
“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck
between the crack of her ass that said “From all of us at the Fire Station.
We’ll never forget you.”
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked .. “Is that one word or two words?
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man, “Excuse me sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?” The man said “No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German’s in W.W.II. I was the only survivor on the ship. So I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to Canada. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, ‘I can’t grant that wish because mermaids can’t have sex.’” So I said, “How about a little head?
Some may be a lil offensive/dirty but they sure made me giggle and smile.