Love.. how could I ever comprehend?

I went downstairs for awhile in the noon..

And I sat at the place we used to sit and talk every other afternoon you’d drop by.

I didn’t know who you were then, but I was eager to lap it all up, every single tiny detail I learned about you through our conversations. I was dying to know you.

Wondering who you are.

Fastforward 2 years plus, there I am again,

…Sitting at the same place we used to sit..

Wondering who you are.

As I sat there alone rocking in the chair watching happy children play in the pool, I thought about the times you made me feel like I was a kid all over again.

You’ve taught me so many things in life.

But most importantly, you’ve shown me how to love…

The happiness… and the pain that comes along with it.

I’ve cried for you like I’ve never cried before. When physical pain is completely absent and all you feel is whats left of your heart being slowly but very painfully torn apart.

I wonder why it is always like this.

Whenever we take a break from each other, I find myself thinking of the good old times.. Happy things. But before that, I was so focused on the negatives.

And then when I watched TV yesterday, I heard this quote which greatly enlightens me:


“Because at the end.. You think of the beginning.”

And it’s true. When I watched you leave my house that day, I also pictured the first time you came. Sneaking you in and hiding you here and there without anyone noticing was really fun.

And then before I knew it, tons of memories fill my mind.

Like they do every night.

A fool I am, mourning over you as if you were dead, when I was the one who wanted to break up. But you know very well I didn’t exactly WANTED to break up.

I just thought that I’m too young to be crying this hard for a man. A man who didn’t understand me. To be sacrificing this much.
To be taking all the bullshit you throw at me at times.

Because if I’d gritted my teeth and continued to keep giving in, you would go into army and then I knew I wouldn’t have the heart to walk away.

I didn’t want you to think I’m abandoning you just because you have to serve National Service.

That’s dumb. It’s just so much more than that.

You never understood how I felt. That’s always been the problem.

The sad part is,

You can’t MAKE someone understand.. they either do, or don’t.

For more than 2 years I have continuously told myself that the day would come.

Now I’m just not convinced the day would be soon… Perhaps you may call this selfish. But I want to spare you the heartbreak, tears and the quarrels as well. I want you to be happy.

No matter how mature I am for my age, there are still many things I do not know and fail to understand.

Even some people who have walked the entire journey of life still did not understand love while on their death bed, who am I to try understand such a complex thing?

All I know about love right now..

Is the way you make me feel. The way I’ve sacrificed so much for you that no one’s ever known. The way I can’t get to sleep at night without knowing you’re safe and sound. The way my heart lights up like a freaking inferno everything you plant your lips against mine.

Most people think this is puppy love.. But they have no idea just how much you mean to me.

I do not deny that I am young and perhaps still immature and inexperienced.

I lack the maturity and grace of a woman who’ve seen the things I haven’t.

Which is why I have to walk away right now. Because I just don’t know how to deal with it. It’s so fucking hard to understand. I’m just not strong enough.

Neither are you.

You obviously cannot fulfill what you’ve promised… otherwise, things wouldn’t be how they are now.

And most good wives/girlfriends would understand and wait for their lover or something. But..

I cannot be the one who will accept such behaviour from you… Simply because I’m just not that kinda girl.

It just doesn’t feel right?

My personality… I’m really strong. I don’t take any bullshit from anyone. Sure, I do cry often, but I always wipe away my tears and grit my teeth and put up a fight. Even my dearest friends, whom I love very much, I gave them up because I felt we were too different and that they would never be able to accept our differences.

But with you, I cry… and I don’t stop crying.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?

Give me time, and hopefully I will learn.

I want to be the best girlfriend I could ever be for you, and I just don’t think I fit the bill right now. Likewise, I feel that there are alot of things for you to think about.

You are my weakness.

With love comes jealousy, possessiveness..

But with jealousy and possessiveness should also come a certain sort of understanding and patience..

Which I think I can really improve on.

And I think you too, need some time alone to reflect on your doings and our relationship and hopefully come to your senses. To truly be that man I know you can be.

There are so many things I wish to say to you.. But perhaps now is not the right time. And this is obviously not the place to let out everything.


Our love goes on…


THIS IS NOT THE ABSOLUTE END YET.
We promised each other we’d give us both time to think things through.

And I will be seeing him again soon (hopefully)

When we see each other again.. we’ll see how things work out. We both need a breather. I need to give him time to miss me, LOL.

Just how long would this break last, I don’t know. Months? Years?

Whatever it is.. I miss you every second, every minute and everyday.

I pray for the strength to get through these nights alone, without you by my side.

I look forward to the day we will embrace again. Or even the day I’d hear that charming, deep, voice of yours.. That was the soundtrack of my life’s best summer.

It feels crazy and meaningless to wake up each day being apart from you, so crazy indeed…

Sometimes I wish I had a more “stable” relationship.

But it’s this kind of love that makes people feel alive – the kind of love you never thought you’d do such crazy things for.

Empty as life may seem, I sure do feel alive right now alright. Alive only because a dead man couldn’t feel this much pain inside.

xoxo,
Jess

the o’levels are here!!

THANK YOU to everyone who gave me encouragement and “good luck” for my o’s!

Most O’level students would be taking their Science Paper tomorrow..

But not me!

I dropped Science, hehehe. You have NO idea how relieved I am just cos I don’t have to study for TWO crazy subjects that I suck in (physics and chemistry) for the marks of ONE.

It makes a hell lot of sense to drop it. Besides, the courses that I want to get into don’t require science. If I DON’T get into the course I want, then I’d be going overseas to study or take private or something.

The courses I want require a good grade for english and their basic subjects req. is humanities + math.

Damnit!

I suck soooooooooo bad at math. But that’s not too bad, considering since out of English, Chinese, Social Studies, Literature, Math and Pure Geography,

Math is the one I suck at most. I think even my chinese is better than my math.

My chinese was a whopping SIX points. *rolls eyes*

..Now you know how bad my math is. So yea, chinese can’t be helped cos you need a strong foundation. I’m good in english, so I don’t have crazy expectations for myself and expect to score well for chinese too.

WHY THE HELL CAN’T WE TAKE HIGHER ENGLISH BUT WE HAVE HIGH CHINESE? Would be something refreshing and interesting. Would be a challenge for me.

Then I won’t have to keep falling asleep in English lessons.

Granted, my grasp of the English language is not exactly FANTASTIC but I believe that they should really raise the standard of English lessons!

I don’t think I’ve learnt anything from those damn lessons!!! English is really easy to score DECENTLY for, just read lots and lots of book and converse with angmohs.

I’M SERIOUS! I was a real geek in Primary School, so when my classmates were out racing toy cars and playing yoyo,

I was on the internet 24/7 chatting on internet forums with angmohs. And I was so addicted to books, I would stay up till like 4am reading with minimal light, which explains my sad eyesight right now.

So, coming from a non-biased point of view, english is a hell lot easier to pass than chinese.

Chinese has all these WEIRD characters!! Even if I don’t know how to spell a word I’ve never heard before, I can roughly guess by listening to the characters.

But like Chinese… you never know what sort of funky eccentric drawing you’re going to get. It’s crazy. And chinese just sounds cheesy. I don’t understand French, but it sounds really.. well.. makes the person speaking it sound cool.

Chinese just makes the person very ching chong, y’know?

Ok I’m probably ranting too much.

So tomorrow I’m going to stay home and read english books all day. Yipee! Totally looking forward to it.

I already know what I’m going to read – The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks.

OMG!!! Reading inspiring novels help improve your composition writing skills alot because you get influenced and inspired by the book you’ve just read. You pick up a lil of their literary techniques here and there, you remember cool quotes you’ve read… Etc.

I am so looking forward to my English paper!!! :)

I am so NOT looking forward to my MATHEMATICS PAPER!!!!

I know this has been a very wordy post and my blog has been pretty boring lately, but I’m TAKING MY O’LEVELS, ok?!?!

Even though I’m not even doing like 1/4 of the revision I SHOULD BE DOING, I should at least update less frequently and talk about studies all the time.. to show people I’m kinda concerned about the O’levels?

I’m concerned, but that doesn’t mean I’m CRAZY over it.

It is sooooooooooo fucking annoying when ALL PEOPLE EVER SAY TO ME IS, “scared of o levels? hows revision for o levels? o levels o levels o levels”

GAH!!!!!!!!! Get over it already, fools!!!

I’m the one taking it, NOT YOU, thank you very much.

If you ARE taking it, then shouldn’t you be studying? Tsk tsk.

People in Singapore are WAY too obsessed with education and certificates & all that jazz.

Sure, having good O’level grades will come in handy while looking for jobs concerning office work and all but…

IT WON’T GUARANTEE ME A DAMN THING IN LIFE!

Will it 100% make me lots of money? NO.

Will it 100% make me happy? NO.

Will it 100% make me successful in life? NO.

Sure, it’ll help, but it’s not such a big deal as you people make it out to be.

I’m saying this to let people know that I am CONCERNED for my grades, but being concerned doesn’t mean being FUCKING OBSESSED AND PARANOID over it like everyone else.

Except Isaac. Isaacluvhisass. LOL. He’s damn funny! I think he’s also taking O’s this year.

Ok nvm. I know I am very boring la, keep ranting on & on.. I haven’t been going out much lately so don’t have much pics to post.

So.. I suppose you are going to have to make-do with random pics that were taken in the past but I’ve never exactly posted them up?


Jumbo’s crabs.

BEST crabs I’ve ever had! JUMBO has BIG FAT JUICY FRESH CRABS!!!!

..But very expensive also. 40++ for one GOOD BIG YUMMY CRAB!

I dunno why I like crab also lor. So pointless but tastes so good.


I am an internet whore.

I will sit my ass in front of the computer the whole day even if I don’t have ANYTHING to do on it. It’s just always been this way.

My life will be VERY SAD without the internet.


Uh. Camwhoring before going for a shoot at SAFRA club.

I took a cab from Simei to SAFRA @ telok blangah and omfgggggggggggggggggg the cab fare was 30++

With peak hour surcharges.. But still! Fucking rip off I tell you. I think I’m going to switch back to trains soon.


Tah. Camwhoring again.

My room is always so effing messy thank god I’ve a maid. Godsent, they are. Invented for lazy people like me who pretend to be too busy to do housework.


Camwhoring yet again. Btw I did not wear the same outfit, this was taken on the same day as the one 2 pics above.

Yes I know my teeth are yellowish. I think I have a great smile but I think my teeth are gross too, which is why I’m going for teeth whitening after me O’s. Feel happy for me!!!

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Ok la since I have been sooo effin boring recently, here are some interesting pics for you to gawk at my ugliness.

Sometime last year. Funny huh. LOL.

Totally hilarious, like some china girl’s hair. Fireworks perm, they call it? I had soo little hair then!

Everyone has been asking me why my perm’s so lasting.. (I last permed my hair more than A YEAR ago! The curls are FINALLY fading now..)

Obviously they have not seen the picture above. Check it out, baby.

Unless you want your hair to be like THAT, stop asking me!! It took effing long for the curls to loosen up and look good.

So irritating. Honestly, I don’t think where you perm your hair really matters, as long as you go to a reputable salon like Jean Yip or Kimage or Hair Secrets or Toni & Guy or whatever.

AND THIS… EVEN FUNNIER!!!


HHAHAHAHAA OMG LOOK AT ME I WAS SO UGLY!!!

Things that are soooooooo wrong in this picture:

THE HAIR OMG LOOK AT THE AH LIAN HAIR HAHAHAA *clutches tummy and rolls on floor*

Soooooooo ugly please. If I ever have straight hair again, it will NEVER be thin! As thick as possible.

And omg look at the ah lian make up too!! Why did I look so lian ah?? Stupid bling bling eyelashes.

Bling bling falsies are the most HIDEOUS ever, I tell you. Especially those with stars on them. Go kill yourself if you’re wearing them.

Anddddddddddd that crazy silver shimmery eyeliner thing under the eye.

Another tell-tale sign of an ahlian.

AND THE HOOP EARRINGS.

Omg you have no idea how fucking ugly silver hoop earrings are!!! Those are sooooooo out of fashion I dunno why people are still wearing it. The minahs love it.

It used to be fashionable in like, what, 2002?

I dunno what I was wearing also lor. Ok I think I know.

A red polly pocket top and a tee inside. Super act cute. No good for big sized girls like me.

I hate red! Cos I think pink lips and red outfits are so mismatching. I would wear red lipstick if I wore a red outfit. And you don’t see normal people wearing red lipstick out often in the day, which is why you hardly see me in red.

Red with pink / orange / yellow = ugly ugly ugly.

Kkkk I think I can stop elaborating on how ugly the pic is cos you guys can see for yourselves.

Anyway thank god my style changed…


Something more sophisticated.

OK PLS EXCUSE THE WIDE EYED EXPRESSION AND SLUTTY POSE.


Can I redeem myself by stating that this pic was taken wayyyyyyy back?

Anyway ya, I think I look awful in thick make up and I suit lighter make up. Just light eye make up to accentuate my eyes, a lil blusher and lipstick and not forgetting drawing the brows and I’m good to go.

Remind me never to put on thick make up again.

Alright I am bored of blogging.

Blogging is super boring nowadays leh. What do you guys wanna read about?

BYE!

xoxo,
Jess
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