pms

I seem to be on “permanent PMS” mode.

How do I get rid of this feeling? I have no idea. Seems like just not too long ago I was perfectly happy, and all of a sudden, I felt that something wasn’t right in my life and ever since I’ve been feeling quite shitty.

Some days feeling suicidal, other days just feeling.. *blank*

I don’t really know where the problem lies. It’s just that there’s always this sick, dreadful feeling in my guts, and it won’t leave me alone. What does it want from me? What am I supposed to do?

On normal days, binging will do the trick for me – I just have to have a nice hearty meal and I’ll feel alright in no time.

But recently I don’t even have the appetite for normal meals.

And usually I end up taking it out on James, which results in more quarrels, quarrels and quarrels. And to make it all worse, it’s become obvious that he’s getting really sick of it.

Bah.

Sometimes, I honestly feel like I’ve had enough of this relationship with James.

Not because I don’t love him anymore, I still do – very much. But because I’m starting to become very aware that he’s not really the guy I believe him to be..

And that’s not his fault.

It was never his fault. It was my fault for not being able to see things the way they actually are, instead I chose to pin hopes on my fantasies.

If he makes the same mistake again, I can’t say I’d be surprised.

I think it’s time I should realize that I can’t change a person’s character to suit my liking, rather, the person should willingly change himself.

And for that to happen, he needs to understand.

He needs to understand why he needs to change, and the consequences of not changing, etc..

Which, of course – won’t be anytime soon.

We’re just too different :]

But every single time I feel like giving up, this quote always pulls me back -

“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all their heart.”

You know, having to worry, facing the lies, accepting the broken promises, etc – all for over a year..

Sometimes it’s more than a girl like me can handle.

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I just really want things to get better quickly.

If I could ignore these feelings, I would.



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Feels like I’m falling in an endless black pit…
But I try my best not to let it show.

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xoxo,
Jess

bitch

So, what, am I not supposed to have an opinion?

Should I keep quiet just because I’m a woman?

You call me a bitch, ’cause I speak what’s on my mind

Guess it’s easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled.

When a female fires back,

Suddenly the target don’t know how to act

So he does what any little boy would do

Makin’ up a few false rumors or two.

That for sure is not a man to me, slanderin’ names for popularity

It’s sad you only get your fame through controversy..

But now it’s time for me to come and give you more to say.

- can’t hold us down.






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I call myself & my friends a “bitch” as a joke.

However, it amuses me to no end whenever other people call me a bitch, and expect me to feel insulted by it.





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Am I a bitch just because I like to rant and whine on my blog?

Am I a bitch because I am financially capable of indulging in superficial, materialistic pleasures and enjoy blogging about them?

Am I a bitch because I am basking in the attention that others give me?

Am I a bitch because the opinions that I blatantly state in my blog are so very different from your own?

Am I a bitch because I know my flaws and have no problems accepting them?

Am I a bitch because I am aware of my desirable attributes and allow them to be part of my self-confidence?

Am I a bitch because I use my command of the English language to my advantage while rebutting others, thus resulting in more vicious and effective insults?

Or am I a bitch just because everything that I say is not pathetically sugarcoated in favor of seeking your approval?

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If so, then…

Hell yeah,

I AM A MOTHERFUCKIN’ Bitch,

WITH A CAPITAL B.





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That aside, some of you asked me to blog on how I spent my Christmas.

Sorry to disappoint, but I do not have cool pictures of glamorous parties and clubbing nights to share =P

I don’t enjoy going clubbing and shaking my ass a little bit here and there, I find it quite lame actually.

Aren’t you supposed to have ample space to move your body around when you dance?

If you’re telling me to PAY to go to some overrated, overcrowded club in the middle of the night to rub my crotch against random sweaty strangers, well then, no thank you.

I can jolly well play some music in my nice comfy room and rub my crotch against James.

LOL.

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Christmas eve – Went out with my friends in the afternoon, had lunch, joked around, did some shopping, then went to look for James & played some lame games at the arcade (I’m such a kid) and we had dinner, then headed over to a BBQ with James, ate again (I’m also a pig) and spent our midnight lying by the beach in each others’ arms, with the wind blowing in our hair, smiles on our faces and hearing people around us shouting, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

The next day I spent the day home with James and did what people usually do when they’re bored – pillow fights in the bedrooms, watching DVDs, etc..

So yeah, that pretty much summarized my Christmas.

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I am sooooooooo looking forward to New Year’s Eve, because of the PRETTY FIREWORKS!!!

…Time doesn’t fly, it fucking teleports.

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xoxo,
Jess

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Wooooooooooo it’s 12am now!

It’s only the 24th though. =P

But I don’t think I will be blogging on Christmas Eve’s night, so yea, who the hell will spend their Christmas reading my blog anyway? Hahaha. (*cough cough if you are*)

I got $500 from mum as my Christmas present. And I got a weird dancing toy lion from James. HAHA.

Does anyone remember my posts about how much I’m not a fan of god?

I’m going with James to Church tomorrow. LIKE OMFG!




You’re more likely to find me in Mars than in a church, on normal circumstances. Bah, but it’s Christmas, so I don’t wanna be a killjoy for my baby~

Although cringes from me are to be expected tomorrow, as they start to speak of their wonderful invisible saviour..

Alrighty, I’m gonna go now cuz I woke up super early for a shoot this morning, and I have to wake up at the godforsaken-hours-of-6am tomorrow for another morning shoot. DAMN, do I hate morning shoots.

But the money is always appealing :)

Weeee, this is the 2nd year I’ve been spending birthdays, christmas-es and new year celebrations with James!

Unexpected much. I don’t really wanna think of what will happen next year though.. Somehow I wish time would stop right here, right now.

Christmas Eve – best fucking day of the entire year.

Alright, I’m gonna go for real now.


~ ** !!MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! ** ~





Have fun, party hard & don’t forget the condoms ;)




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reflection

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inlove

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xoxo,
Jess
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