do you remember when..

Do you remember?

I remember that look you always have on your face right before we burst out into laughter together

I remember us lying next to each other as we watched the fireworks display above together during last year’s countdown

I remember the first time I sneaked you into my house at 5am when my parents were sleeping

I remember hiding you in my closet when my mum suddenly woke up and came into my room

I remember feeling my heart skip a beat everytime you told me you loved me or kissed me

I remember the feeling of being loved as you slowly ran your fingers through my hair and pulled me closer

I remember how secure it felt when your strong hand held my own

I remember you putting your arm around me protectively in crowded areas

I remember how your warm breath felt against my cheeks as I lay upon your chest listening to your steady heartbeat as I watch you sleep

I remember giving you a peck on your forehead and cheek each night before we fell asleep

I remember that you told me our kids in the future should have my nose and your eyes, your lips and my height..

I remember how you used to hug me tightly for 2 minutes when you first saw me after we didn’t see each other for days

I remember the time you crawled in through the window to get into my house because my brother wouldn’t let you in and you almost fell 6 storeys down and you told me you wouldn’t have done it for any other girl

I remember us always wrestling each other, and I was always the one who got slightly injured halfway so you profusely apologized to me and saying that I was silly to think I could win you in a wrestle anyway

I remember how you made everything seem okay even if things weren’t alright

I remember the first time I saw you cry and my heart broke

I remember the first time you asked me, “You like me?” and I replied “You like ME?” and you just replied “So you like me…?” ….

I remember me happily tickling you until you begged for mercy

I remember the ring in your voice everytime you called out my name

I remember the time we two were the only ones trapped inside Suntec City Mall at 3am because we got locked in so we had to crawl out of a hole in the wall

I remember “Always” and “I’ll be there for you” were the two songs we always used to sing to each other

I remember you saying that I was the first girl whom you begged another chance for

I remember how we used to sit by the pool in my condo, just enjoying each other’s company and talking about everything under the sun

I remember the time I insisted on going ice skating at jurong but it was closed so you brought me to snow city instead

I remember the day we went to Wild Wild Wet and we were having such a good time and you told me you wish that time would stop there

I remember how you always chose couple seats whenever we caught a movie, just so you could cuddle me throughout the show

I remember the time we went to Genting with my family and how you took such good care of me

I remember so many things,

I remember everything..

Those were the best moments of my life.

You were the only one in my eye, and you still are babe, you still are..

So why’d you have to go?

I have no idea how you feel. Do you love me? If you don’t, when did you stop loving me? Or have you ever loved me at all..?

Do you miss me? Do you ever think about me? Do you feel happy or sad when you think about me?

Will you be crying when you see this?

What I really mean to you – that I’ll never know,

just as you’d never know how much you mean to me.

You’re wrong dear, you’re so wrong. I’m not moving on with my life, I’m not that strong.

I need you, more than ever – right now, right here with me..

Don’t you see? You’re not “exposing” me to the world. How could you ever be so cold?

I just miss you so much,

and I think about you every single night and day.

What did I do wrong babe, where did we go wrong?

I tried hard to be that girl you wanted me to be dear, please know that I really did..

but it seemed like no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just couldn’t keep your heart with me for long.

Feels like just yesterday we were together babe, just yesterday it seemed like we were gonna be together forever..

I look at our pictures when I’m lying each night on my bed because your smile helps to ease the pain, I play the videos we took because listening to your voice is so comforting and reassuring, it’s almost as if you are lying right next to me.

I’m sorry to know that I never meant much to you, I wish I meant more though..

Maybe then you’d understand how I feel, maybe then your heart would break like mine.

I guess I’ll never be anything more than just a little girl and another girlfriend to you..

but I wish you could’ve seen the real me though – the girl who didn’t want anything else in the world except to be with you.

Didn’t you say you would never let me go again, so how could you just walk away?

I wish you’d turn around and take a look,

take a look at me crying now..

And take me along with you babe,

cuz you’ve left me alone,

so far behind.

Won’t be going anywhere until you take my hand and back in my arms again.

xoxo,
Jess

national day

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!

yea right. not like anyone really gives a fuck about national day.

anyway. im gonna watch rush hour 3 tomorrow at vivo city. YEA MAN RUSH HOUR 3 IS TEH SHIZ. wooo i love that black guy. he’s chris tucker right? its sooo funny. i mean, what can be funnier than putting a chinese guy and a black guy together?

anyway. my eyes hurttttt. its fuckin 2am and i havent showered, im all sticky and ewwy and stuff. i just came back from supper with my family. i ate three freaking pratas and now im BLOATED. im soooo fat.

a guy took my number today. and that made me realise one thing:

i’m not into guys anymore.

I’M SO, SOOOO NOT INTO GUYS ANYMORE!! it’s like there’s no difference between me and a lesbian (except i dont like pussy) i like to notice girls, and i don’t take interest in guys!

sure, once in awhile i go like “omg hes so cute!!” but i dont have any intention of actually getting to know him. maybe i’ve been attached to james for so long, and i’d rather know what james is doing than get that new hot guy’s number. and i have no interest whatsoever in any guy. is that called being faithful? blah. no idea.

speaking of which, what IS james doing? sigh..

i wonder how hes gonna spend his national day.. probably with another girl.

yeah, i’ll bet. (i’m not joking.)

im going esplanade with my group of buddies tomorrow. but i wont be having james with me, so theres no one for me to share the fireworks with =’(

i do miss him so. it still feels so odd. when i came home, it’s almost as if i expected to see him waiting downstairs like he used to.

trying to move on with my life and pretending i never loved and pretending he never lied about loving me isn’t easy. it feels as though my boyfriend has died and i’m trying to forget him.

except that he isnt really dead.

but it’d actually be somewhat less hurtful for me if actually died while he loved me, rather than being alive and breakng up with me.

at least if he died months ago i would know that he died while loving me, and i wouldnt feel so sad because i knew he loved me, at least.

but now it’s like he’s alive, everything could be the same but it just isnt and he doesn’t love me anymore.

BUT THE THING IS, HE’S ALIVE. I CAN STILL TALK TO HIM, BUT THEN AGAIN I CAN’T, BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANNA TALK TO ME.

get it? so which one hurts more?

nothing hurts more than being next to someone you love and knowing you can’t have them.

okay, i’m gonna stop here, i don’t wanna be crying again now, do i?

no, i don’t…..

so anyway.

in the afternoon i went out to bedok with jasmine, guoxiang, nicholas, joanne, bernard, melissa, eunice.

alot of pple right? surrounding mself with lots of people does help me a lil. at least i don’t feel so alone. we went to watch jay chou’s SECRET movie!!!!

at first, i thought it was totally retarded. and i was reluctant to watch because it’s a love story :(

FYI, love doesn’t exist. *emosob*

it was boring at first, but the last part was pretty interesting and quite touching. i cried! well i cry at alot of things anyway. jay chou is awesomee :) im not a fan of chinese music but he inspires me.

moving on -

you know what? i think god doesnt love me anymore.

yupp. first he made my boyfriend leave me and then he made my computer die on me. i cant use my com anymore, it keeps dying. so im on my mum’s lappy at the moment.

my mum is cooler than cheese!

when she knew i broke up with james, she told me to stay home the next day and she took me out to vivo to shop. i bought a new green topshop tube satin dress. then she brought me to the make up store to buy 200$ worth of make up products.

talk about retal therapy. mums are like boyfriends. sometimes they rock, sometimes hey suck – except mums dont break up with you. neither do they say i love you and don’t mean it.

you know they always mean it.

and my mum bought a new CAR. OMG MY MUM FINALLY HAS A CAR.

about TIME?!

who the hell lives in a condo but doesnt have a car? furthermore the neares bus stop to my condo is a 10 minute walk away. highly inconvenient.

she bought a honda yellow JAZZ. lol fancy name, cute car. she even struck 4d today buying her new car plate’s number.

i don’t have any pictures at the moment cuz im lazyy. but i’ll post them up the next time :)) lots of pics, promise!!

i just realised that these few day my viewership has gone up to an average of 100 unique visitors a day! woots! it might not be hundreds or thousands, but thats quite alot for a small personal crap blog like mine =D (not really its the best blog in the world but yeahh)

im gonna sleep now, its 3am and i gotta wake up early tomorrow -

so goodnight! and visit hateshinai.jugem.jp

LOL so that he’ll buy me nice stuffs from bangkok!! (don’t ask. here ber, it’s for you.. so don’t remove my link!)

goodnight

and i miss you. (not you la idiot him =x)

xoxo,
Jess
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